Just Bent

Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again

 

[from Just Give Me a Reason, Pink (featuring Nate Ruess)]

 

The damn, fucking involuntary tears started this morning while lying in my husband's arms after an intimate morning together. I knew that they were long past due but why now? I thought. I don't know what the hell triggered me to want to fall apart precisely at that moment, but I fought to keep it together. No, no, no. I could not do this in front of him today.

 

He had walked into my room while I was writing last night's post and asked if I was OK, if I wanted to talk about anything. My face must have betrayed my sadness, but I still denied it. I said I was fine and even smiled when I shook my head in response to his invitation to confide. If I cried he would know. He would certainly know that I am not OK.

 

So I went to work today, and as always, it was a fine distraction...a peaceful day but for an incidence that left me feeling unsafe and afraid to walk to my vehicle after closing the pharmacy. Fortunately, I exited the building, made it to my car safely, and was on my way home without giving a second thought...until fifty miles later as I parked the car in the safety of my own home. Then I could not stop the tears, and I sat outside until I could collect myself.

 

Now, I am writing this and the tears are flowing freely. I cannot/will not stop them anymore. I hope he does not come in here tonight, for I will not be able to stop and pretend. I have been listening to the song that I quoted at the top of this post and hurting, and crying. I really like the song and have been watching the video on YouTube (love Pink and love her even more with Nate Ruess)...and crying...crying...crying.

...and hurting...hurting...hurting while my husband sleeps in the room next to me...separated by one wall...that I have established.

There are so many lines that I like in this song, that I could write a term paper about it:

"We're not broken, just bent"

"It's been written in the scars on our hearts"

"I let you see the parts of me that weren't all that pretty, and with every touch you fixed them."

"We'll come clean."

And I listen to them, and watch Pink perform with the passion that I feel but am too damn afraid to just shout out. And instead of fucking going over to him and pouring my damn heart out, I just sit here and write and sob, and cry oh so bitterly.