The Wine and the Fireflies

Tonight could have gone very badly...but it didn't. I was so angry that I thought about cutting...but I didn't. Tonight I had planned on writing a raging mad rant of a post...but I don't have to now.

Things have been somewhat stressful for me since this past Sunday. I will spare you the details, but basically my van presented with tire problems on my way to work on Sunday, and I had to turn around and use my husband's car...which meant I opened the pharmacy almost thirty minutes late, and the stress began there.

I have been using my husband's car for the past few days, while we took the van to two different establishments to get the services that it needed (tune up, inspection, and four new tires). Don't get me wrong, I am grateful that his car was available for me to use and that his work schedule this week allowed him time to contend with the repairs that the van needed. Nonetheless, the last few days have been stressful for me.

It's not that I had to rearrange any schedules because of this. No, every appointment was kept, and every child and adult arrived at their respective summer camp and job every day without a hitch. Every time I began to feel stressed, I reminded myself of this little blessing: Your van needs maintenance, and you have the money to pay for it. Your husband's car is available for you to use, because he happens to be off on the days that you need to work this week. You don't have to cancel any appointments this week.

Seemingly, things worked out very smoothly...they did...but at a cost. I pretty much held it together during the past few days, but it took some energy that I had not been prepared to use. Because the time that I would have used to recharge my energy levels was spent driving the van to and from the different auto shops, by the time this afternoon rolled around, I was feeling pretty depleted.

This is the first wise decision that I made. When I returned home from a CPR renewal course, I let my husband know that I needed time alone to rest, because the past few days have kind of taken a toll on me. I even let him know that going to the gym together would not be possible, because getting some rest was a priority for me today.

You have no idea how much progress being able to verbalize this need signifies for me.

So I took a nice nap, and later we picked up my van and I came home with my new tires and my kids...ordeal behind me.

...and then the kids' bathtub started leaking again...onto the goddamn kitchen island and floor. Then my husband was offended because I told him I only had a minute when he asked me to look at something on the Internet with him. Never mind that I had just made dinner, was in the middle of washing two heads of hair and had to save some energy to shampoo the living room carpet tonight.

I had no more reserves after that. The husband got ignored, the children got yelled at, and my older daughter got it the worst when she refused to get off the couch when it was time for me to start with the carpet. I completely lost my cool. I was yelling and throwing toys and shit out of the room. When my husband offered to help, I thought I was going to eat him. When he tried to placate me by saying that what I was doing was not good and that he didn't want me to hurt myself, I simply yelled back, "I AM NOT HURTING MYSELF!" I thought, hurting myself is cutting my wrist, and I am not doing that right now. I might be hurting the toys and the nice wood floor, but I am not hurting myself!

So while I was shampooing the carpet, I was composing in my head the angry post that I was going to write...but something else happened. While I was shampooing the carpet, he put the kids to bed and cleaned the kitchen. When I was finished, he invited me to have a glass of wine on the deck and watch the fireflies light up our backyard. Who can say no?

The night was warm, the wine was smooth, and the fireflies were magical. Conversation came easy. We talked about the entire week and how things evolved into what they did tonight. I was able to express my feelings and reasons without hesitation or fear of judgment. We went back and forth without getting heated or disrespectful. Yet, I did not feel like were tiptoeing around each other's feelings (as we often are when we are not fighting). I was able to talk to him without feeling defensive.

Recently, I had considered writing a post that asked the question, "How do you know if EMDR is working?" It is such a gradual process for me. It seems I can stand this therapy in small doses, with long rests in between. So how do I know how I am changing?

Tonight was a fine example. Obviously, I would have preferred not to have lost my grip the way that I did, but I didn't shut down when my husband invited me to talk. I found my voice, and I was not afraid to use it. Given that the topic that I am currently working on deals with not being able to speak, I would say that EMDR is working.