I can't get over the sadness today. There is no anger this time - just sadness. The hang-your-head, don't-make-eye-contact, hide-from-the-world type.
EMDR really hurt yesterday, and I can't seem to pick myself back up. I know that I shouldn't be surprised...it hurts every time, but 48 hours ago I was fine. I miss happy, energetic me. I guess I forgot what it's like.
What I can't seem to be able to wrap my mind around is how I did not go with my stepfather during the memory. In reality this would have never happened. I always went with him. There was no other option. What I am having a difficult time with is that I do not feel good about not having gone with him. I do not feel big or strong about it.
In fact, I wonder if I was resisting the memory by not getting in the van with him. I would not have done it purposely, but I do remember it being incredibly difficult to get on board that train yesterday. Maybe I just could not go to that place in my mind. Maybe the little girl saying, "No, I won't go with you!" was just me saying I refuse to remember.
Either way, it was a hell of a session, but I gave it all I had and I refused to quit.
Remember that what you see (experience) along the way is not the final destination (outcome; healing). The ride is often as you are experiencing it.
ReplyDeleteI will keep that in mind. I guess it gets confusing sometimes
DeleteI've been through EMDR (though not to conclusion, because my ED & self-harm increased and I had to stop) and it was confusing as hell. It takes a lot of strength, and although I know this will sound trite, I mean it sincerely: be gentle with yourself. It may take you a bit to recover from your session and that IS okay. You're processing a lot and that takes time and emotion. My thoughts are with you!!
ReplyDeleteThanks Lauren. I appreciate you telling me that. This journey can be lonely sometimes, as I don't know anybody else who is going through it.
DeleteIt does take me a few days to sort of get myself back together. It had been a few weeks since my last EMDR session, and I think I had forgotten to expect that.
Thanks for sharing.
Big safe hugs to you my dear Rising. You are processing your thoughts and though they seem a little cloudy now I am sure that everything will become clearer very soon. xx
ReplyDelete...in due time, I suppose.
DeleteThanks for checking in :)