I am feeling very low...depressed. Even putting my fingers to the keyboard is taking an incredible amount of effort. I don't want to exist...or I want to be invisible. I don't want to see people, and I don't wan to be seen. I don't want to talk, and I don't want to listen.
Sleep, delicious sleep, is all that I want. I want to sleep deeply and indefinitely. The mornings have become so hard now. First light brings so much pain, robbing me of the protection of sleep.
So let me sleep tonight, let me rest. Let the night be long and dark, so that I may hide in it's blackness from all my little demons.
omfg, this is eerie. the last thing I said to my psychiatrist when I walked out of her office recently were your exact words: "I don't want to be seen." She's given me the spiel about how if I want to be a "responsible adult" (ha) I need to start sleeping at night and awake during the day. she doesn't get that I prefer the darkness, always have, always will. the morning light is too bloody harsh, and I feel it makes me vulnerable. ugh, sorry this is so long (and narcissistic) I just wanted to try and express that I can relate. may the demons not find you tonight. xox
ReplyDeleteIt's alright, Lauren. I never mind a long comment. I didn't think anybody was even going to understand what I was saying, let alone relate. It was one of those close my eyes, and type my feelings kind of posts. Glad you get it.
DeleteI know what you mean about the harsh morning light. It's been like that for me lately. Like we both said, "I don't want to be seen." I feel so vulnerable and exposed.
I am usually OK once I get out of bed and engage in some kind of routine activity (making tea, unloading the dishwasher). It is the decision to leave the comfort of my bed and the safety of my blankets that lately takes more and more energy.
(((((hugs)))) I also think admitting this/talking about it is a good thing. it's amazing that you can think you're alone or no one will relate, and then you open up and find there are others who will get it. I admire you. :) xox
DeleteThank you. Opening up is indeed the purpose of this blog. I have never felt more liberated!
DeleteI prefer the night also. I find it much better for writing when the world is darkened and it can engulf you.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear about your struggles in both your last post and this one as well. Talking to your sister about how you got those marks may help, but that does not mean you have to tell her the whole story. I find sometimes I tell multiple people different parts of the same story so it helps me release, without ever giving anyone the whole picture.
I hope you find peace away from those demons which plague you. Failing that, I am sure there is an angel with a flaming sword ready to smite them down around the corner. You are getting better Rising, I know you are, but it is all a process. My love and best wishes from across the pond
MMS
Thank you, as always MMS for your encouragement. I do have some angels :)
DeleteI like your idea about telling only part of the story. It's kind of what I do with her now. It's just that this is the part that I don't tell her. I really do want to protect her. Our relationship is pretty special...and delicate.
no platitudes for this 'Dark Night of the Soul' that you are experiencing. For whatever benefit (if any), know that it is and has been a site along the journey for many of the Saints.
ReplyDelete...If I could just hold hands with one.
Delete