Bewildered

Bewildered...spaced out. I don't know how else to describe the feeling I felt after leaving EMDR today. I sat in my car staring at nothing for a while. I think I was afraid to drive. I had not felt this way after EMDR before. He always tells me that I can stay in the house for as long as I need to...I don't have to leave until I am ready, but most of the time I want to run away as quickly as possible. I'm not quite sure why. It's not that I don't feel safe there, it's just that I always want to run afterwards.

So I sat in my van until I was semiconscious. Then I drove...very carefully.

Now, where did I go during this train ride? It was different today (maybe because it had been such a long time since the last session). I had a difficult time "getting on" at first. I was avoiding it...too afraid. But I was at the same time determined, so I kept trying, though I got on board very slowly.

Eventually, I was there with my stepfather. Eventually, he was in the van coaxing me to come in and ride with him. The strange thing is that I did not go with him. I refused! In my mind I used expressions like, "Motherfucker, I am not going with you!" I was resolved to stand my ground this time. I crossed my arms and stomped my feet like a stubborn child. I kicked his van and yelled angrily, "I'm not going with you!"

I wondered how long it would last, how long I cold be strong, I wondered when I would give in and go with him...like I do. But I never did. Instead he started to become smaller and weaker, while I became bigger and stronger. Ultimately, he disappeared, and I was left alone...and somehow confused. I looked for the comfort of my mother, but I couldn't find her. A sinking sadness overtook me, as I realized there was no way to find her.

I know that my mother has not ever physically abandoned any of her children. Because she felt abandoned as a child, she had always ensured that all her children were physically with her when growing up. When we moved from our native country to the United States, she made sure we could all come together. We were never sent to boarding school or overnight summer camps or anything that would lead us to feel unwanted.

...It's just that little thing that she didn't mean to do. I know she couldn't help it if she didn't know, but somehow this little girl still wonders why she did not come save her all those scary nights. I still look for her and wonder where she is. On those frightening nights, I want to be able to reach out to her and find her.

So what do I do now as an adult and a mother? I want my kids to always be able to find me. When my son was still living at home, and before we all had cell phones, I had posted in his room a list of all the different locations where I worked and their phone numbers. On the kitchen calendar, I wrote were I was working every day.

Now, I never turn off my cell phone. It is the contact number that I provide for my daughters' school. If my husband and I go to the movies, and it must be set to vibrate, it sits on my lap where I am sure not to miss a call from them (or the babysitter). I leave my bedroom door open when I go to sleep. I want to be able to hear everything.

I suppose I'm like my mother in this way...compensating for what we feel we did not have. Anyway, I still feel strange even after all this writing. I want to sit somewhere quiet, close my eyes and just feel the feeling...not analyze it...just feel it and let it be.