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Tuesday, July 30, 2013

And if I Can't Return?

Oh my God, the pain! Where have I gone? The hate, the hate...the hate for myself...for that young girl...running away and the goddamn cigarettes...mistreating her body because she was used to being mistreated. So much hate for herself leaves me feeling so much sadness.

These were my thoughts immediately after EMDR today. I am shaking and cold...my heavy sweater is not enough. I want to close my eyes, but I am afraid. If I close my eyes, I will be in another dimension, another time and place, definitely not oriented. I want so badly to close them, but what if I can't return?

I felt like this at times during EMDR today. I was so spacey...like if I just closed my eyes, I would be out of touch...and I wanted to close my eyes. But he brought me back every time, and I had to look into his eyes in order to find the present and believe that I was not going to die of this pain.

The moon is on my side
I have no reason to run
So will someone come and carry me home tonight
(from We Are Young, Fun.)

 
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4 comments:

  1. AnonymousJuly 30, 2013 at 3:02 PM

    You are so brave for facing all this.
    And you will get through it. xxx

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    Replies
    1. RisingSongJuly 30, 2013 at 9:42 PM

      I think I am finally starting to believe that. Thanks.

      Delete
  2. AnonymousJuly 30, 2013 at 9:47 PM

    Corny as this may sound, I thought of the long-ago song :"You'll never walk alone." (Check on You Tube if not familiar.) Some parts of the journey no one can do for us; but does it help to know that you have "cheerleaders", hoping for a good outcome for you?

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    Replies
    1. RisingSongJuly 30, 2013 at 10:02 PM

      Yes, it does. I derive strength from some of the comments that I get here. As I have mentioned before, they are a lifeline. I think this journey would be nearly impossible for me, if I didn't know that someone was on my side "cheering" for me. Thanks.

      I shall check out that song now :)

      Delete

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