What have I gotten myself into?
I volunteered for EMDR therapy. For those who have not heard about it, click here for a nice explanation. I will be doing this with my therapist of over ten years, so trust is not an issue. Yet, I am terribly afraid.
The first assignment he gave me was to make two lists (side by side). One is of things that should not have happened, the other is of things that bring comfort. It is the "Things That Should not Have Happened" list that terrifies me.
How can I bring myself to remember? I am so afraid of going there. I am afraid of writing those things down, because they would become so real. They would no longer be those gray memories that float around my head - semi real, semi nightmare. They would become concrete events that truly happened...things that were really done to me that should not have been.
I am afraid I would then become lost in the nightmare. I am afraid of not being able to control the immense sadness that I would feel for my wounded child. I am afraid it would then turn into anger, and I would hurt myself.
So I am afraid to write all the words down this time.
It's not a 'got to'. We can do it in conversation, a step at a time.
ReplyDeleteemdr is so hard, but i am starting to see some small progress. i hope it can be useful for you too.
ReplyDeleteThough I am nowhere near being finished, I have seen some progress too in several areas of my life. Glad to know you also have seen progress. I hope you will keep writing about it.
DeleteThanks for coming by. I hope you'll keep reading.
One-step at a time, I'm sure the therapist understands. I realise this is an old post, but I want to acknowledge how inspirational your words are.... I relate to so much.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Cat. I am touched that you have taken the time to read several of my posts.
DeleteI am humbled by your beautiful words, never having imagined that I could be a source for inspiration.
Thank you for reading this far back. I hope you will visit again.