I Could Not Say No

I can't seem to be able to put this one down on the list:

My stepfather sexually abused me!

This really happened to me, and it should not have! Grown men should never ever do anything remotely sexual with any teenagers or children, let alone their wives' children! The children know that it is wrong, but they do not know how to stop it.

I could not say no, because I did not have the power, I was just a girl.

Then I grew up and wrote this about my marriage:

What happened to my words? I was so bold. I had somehow gained the power to say NO, the power to say NO MORE. I was using that power even if it meant days of indifference and silent treatments. It did not matter to me, because what did I have to lose?

I had the courage to say NO to sex that I did not want to have, even if it meant I would have to fight for that and defend my physical space for days, even weeks.

When I lost that courage, I became again the girl who says yes because she has no power to say no. I said yes because NO had consequences. I said yes to get it over and done with, to get him "off my back". I said yes because I knew he would not stop asking, so I said yes to keep the peace.

When I said yes these times, I became a cheap slut. I felt used and humiliated. These encounters had no meaning for me. I even became detached during the intercourse. I thought of other things to escape the ordeal, like a girl oppressed under her stepfather. And then it would come - the disgusting taste in my mouth of the man from my childhood, the feel of his weight on me...and I wanted to cut.