Still on Hiatus

It came and it went...without trampling me, without rolling over me, without punching me in the gut. Somehow, I got through Christmas.

It was busy, it was intense, it was exhausting. Do you realize how much planning it takes to orchestrate Christmas?? But the planning was my therapy. The work was my amnesia. My family and friends with whom I visited and who came to see me were my safety net. There are people who spend time with you and leave you feeling drained and spent. Not my son...somehow his mere presence is giving and revitalizing. Knowing he is home fills me with peace. Perhaps it is his quiet way of helping without expecting compensation. Maybe it is his way of knowing just what to do to lighten your load. They say I've raised him well, but I see so much of his own personality that I am reluctant to take any credit.

I took my son to the airport early this morning, while it was still dark and the Christmas lights on the trees lining the airport entrance were winking and twinkling. Soon all the glitter will be gone and the ornaments and decorations will have to be removed and stored for the year. My blissful interruption will cease, and I will have to face life again...but not yet. I can still hold on to this hiatus for just a little longer. There is still one more week. There is New Year's Eve and New Year's Day.

I can continue to fill the space with people. I can have a cocktail party and invite my cousin as well as my sister-in-law who happens to be in town visiting her own sister. I can, once again, exhaust myself with planning and preparations...so that I don't have to think.

Buried in Christmas

I have buried myself in Christmas. I found no other way to crawl out of the darkness that I found myself in than to hurl myself, head first, into the madness that is the Christmas Season. There was shopping to be finished at busy stores bursting with other shoppers who had no idea where I had been. I could hide within them and forget that I have thought of anything else but the present moment.

There was the hunt for the elusive Santa Clause, frequenting the mall with the children in hopes to catch a moment on his lap and whisper to him their sweetest dreams. There are 4 AM wake up calls that beckon me to "Santa's Workshop" to wrap a few gifts before the kids wake up.

There are piano recitals, dinners, and Christmas parties. There are Winter Concerts and presentations at the schools, parent observation nights at the dance studio, and even an afternoon at the ballet enjoying The Nutcracker.

There is time with my son and Christmas dinner to plan and shop for. With a schedule like this, who has time to think? This is precisely my purpose. I had to stop thinking in order to throw a rope into the bottomless hole that I was falling into. The frenzy of the holidays certainly keeps me from thinking. If I am an ostrich, then Christmas is my sand.

I don't know where I will find myself emotionally when I emerge in January, but for now, I am well distracted and enjoying this rare moment of peace on what is luminary night in my neighborhood.

Silent night, holy night...

Death Take Me

Tonight I sit here in my desperate pain and gutting loneliness. I let my guard down for just a minute and it burned me. It hurts...something just hurts to the core, and I feel like a fool.

I lose. I lose no matter what. There is no fairy tale and no happy ending. I loose. Tonight I want to sleep and not wake up. Death take me. I can imagine them without me.

A knife would suit me now...a good sharp blade...sharp enough to draw tears. I would make deep and long cuts and cry the bitterness out. Fast and furious...the pain would take me to another atmosphere. I would cut until I drop with exhaustion.

...and then I would pray for death to take me.

Emptying Out the Trash

...So continuing to empty out the trash. Please do not read this if you want to maintain your Christmas spirit. I am writing this so that I don't have to tell people who are walking around doing their Christmas shopping and joyfully humming Christmas tunes. I don't want to bring them down, because I know how they feel...I am usually that person...not that I would actually tell people any of this.

I do, however, feel like Debbie Downer, like the dark cloud eclipsing the glitter of the holiday lights. I make myself sick. I don't want to feel this poisonous, so I'm writing it down. I'm hoping that by doing so, I can somehow lift my mood.

You see, I am feeing really low. Seriously, I am trying to figure out a way that I can end my despicable life without hurting my kids. Impossible right? I know. This is why I write...to get all this garbage out.

So then there's the cutting...the other alternative...not an option, right? Well, yes, at this point it seems like the lesser of two evils...but my son will be home for Christmas...can't wait to see him. I would hate to have to deal with fresh cuts on my wrists.

So all that's left is what? Pain, anger, sadness, feeling trapped, crying at the drop of a hat...no comfort zone.

...despair.

I Want Out

Self-harm trigger warning. If you are there or anywhere near there, please do not read this post. In fact, I would be fine if absolutely no one read this post. This is just me getting the shit out. I have to blurt it out to someone, and tonight there is only my blog.

So what can I say? I'm there again. I guess it doesn't take much these days. Just one bad conversation, a decision to express why a certain e-mail disturbed me. Before I knew it, we were fighting again, and I was raging mad. Now I want to cut . My scars from this summer have almost faded, but I want to carve into myself again. I want to purge this endless hurt. One slice...two slices...whatever it takes. I crave the electrifying sting. Do I deserve to treat myself this way? Yes, I do. Don't ask me why. I feel pretty low and worthless. Really, I just want to off myself, but I guess that would be selfish. There seems to be no happy ending to my story. Why all this pain? Every road is paved with knives.

So I want out. I want off the roller coaster. I want no more of life, if this is what it offers.

Repairing the Hurt

I am the proud owner of a new...car payment!! Yes, I went out and bought another van...just like I said I would.

The importance of this event may not be obviously apparent, so I will begin by sharing that I have never bought a vehicle without the company of a man. This one I bought completely on my own...just my girls and I at a dealership looking for a minivan. What bliss!

I knew what I was looking for...the same make and model that I drove before, perhaps a different color just for the sake of change (although the other color was my favorite). This time, however, the girls really wanted the Rear Entertainment System (DVD player in the back).

So I traded in my sedan and drove home with a 2014 minivan for the price that I wanted...and wouldn't you know it, the only van in the lot with the Rear Entertainment System was the same color as our old van...we had to have it! LOL!

I am so proud of myself in so many different levels for this accomplishment. First, there is the idea of being able to successfully negotiate in what traditionally is a man's world. I held my own...I stood my ground...I got what I wanted.

More importantly, however, is the act of reclaiming a part of me that had been violated. As I drove home, I began to feel like I had reestablished a space that could not be taken away from me. This was not a gift that could be reclaimed at someone else's whim. This was something that I had obtained by my own means with no one else's hands in it.

There is still a bag left in the dining room with my belongings from the other van in it. I had not been able to approach that bag without feelings of hurt and anger revisiting me. I finally feel like I can peacefully go through those items and reposition them in the vehicle that I am driving now.

As far as my husband goes...well he's very happy for me. You see, I never berated him for having taken van the way that he did. I merely explained to him the reasons why I could never take that vehicle back, why I could never drive it again. He understood very well the hurt that he caused me, but he also understood that I was going to do something to repair that hurt...on my own.

A Manger Scene for the Children

Wreaths on the windows, stockings over the fireplace. A manger scene for the children and an Advent wreath for the family. So Christmas has begun at my house. Garland for the mantle, a lighted one for the stair rail. Red bows and Charlie Brown with his pathetic little tree.

Today was just a start, but I am no longer paralyzed with the apparent enormity of the task. Nothing was done without the involvement of the kids. They were there for support, for cheer and just to have four extra hands. They were there to remind me that all the fuss is for them, that normally I really do love Christmas, and that skipping Christmas is not an option.

I paced myself today. I allowed myself to stop and rest when I had had enough. Twice, I was overcome with inexplicable tears. I just allowed them to happen even without understanding them. Some of it was anger, I know.

I am still afraid...too afraid to even write about it. Today, however, was good. My daughter said, "Spending the day decorating for Christmas was the best day ever!", and that's all we need for one day at a time.

Simple Elegance

So we got through Thanksgiving - the first of the holidays. I cooked...as I usually do. I made all the same dishes...no variations...no surprises...no guess work. I took comfort in knowing all the steps to the dance. I have put no pressure on myself during the last two days and made rest a priority.

During the last two months, our formal dining room (where Thanksgiving dinner would be served) has become a depository for all things pending. It began with the bags of my belongings that my husband placed there when he cleared out my van. I had not been able to touch them. Looking at them only brought back the anger and the pain, so I have ignored them...and we have all been adding to the mess.

Today, I did not know how I would clear out the dining room and table in preparation for our dinner. This was a job that I did not have the emotional strength to do alone...so I enlisted the help of the children. I remembered something my therapist recently told me about taking on overwhelming tasks one small piece at a time. I started delegating. The things that I could not bring myself to touch and take into the car, I gave to the kids. They were more than happy to help with this unusual project. In no time, we had cleared the room except for one bag with some of my very personal things. Still I did not have it in me to sort through it...so I left it in a corner.

The work of setting the table I gave to my older daughter. This has been something that I have taken much pride and pleasure in before, getting creative with napkin rings, candles and centerpieces. I knew that in order to keep my inner peace this day, I would have to relinquish that responsibility completely to my daughter...and she did a lovely job.

After dinner, I remained at the table coloring cornucopias with the kids while my husband washed the dishes. (Yes, he has once again turned into model husband). After a while, I finished clearing the table of leftover food and serving dishes. Then I did something that I had not anticipated. After removing the used tablecloth and admiring the beauty of the bare wood, I took out my favorite Christmas runner and laid it on the table, its delicate white lace and gold embroidery contrasting on the dark wood. Again, just one baby step.

As I left the room, pleased with the simple elegance of this scene, I turned and softly said to the room and the house in general, "Welcome Christmas".

Blue

Tonight I need to return to my original purpose for writing this blog. Tonight I need to write like no one is reading. Tonight the writing is just for me. This is, after all, my "say anything" blog.

I can't get the words out for what I really want to write about. Another heart to heart with my husband today. I cried...and it's not what went on that I want to write about. It's these feelings that I have tonight....like darkness and sadness together, laced with a forbidden thin ribbon of hope.

I could hold myself all night long. I can't trust anyone to touch me...only me. I feel weak, vulnerable and fragile. Thoughts of my blade across my wrists are becoming more palpable...the images more dimensional.

Never mind that...just images in my head. Ocean take me away...take me the fuck away from here. Ocean swallow me fucking whole and disappear me into your eternal blue.

Today I Would Freeze Time

The Holidays are not going to kick my ass, I try to tell myself. Yet, I wanted time to freeze today. It was our town's Thanksgiving parade in which my daughters participate each year. Because they are still too young to dance through the parade, they ride their dance school's float and wave at all the spectators...absolutely precious. I look forward to this parade each year, and since they are normally at the beginning of the parade, we usually stay to watch the remainder of the participants once we have gotten the girls off their float.

The parade is a lineup of floats, dancers and marching bands culminating with Santa Clause on the last float officially designating the beginning of the Holiday season. Today, I wish I could have frozen time just before this last float.

Although I keep telling myself that I will get through the season this year just fine, something else keeps wanting the days not to arrive. Yes, I dread it. I am going through the motions thinking that the emotions will kick in. I bought the candles for my Advent wreath, but I do not know how I will find the wherewithal to put it out....or even read the readings as a family the way we normally do.

The truth is that I don't want to go through Christmas this year. I would like to take my three children and fly off somewhere far and spend the entire season there, away form all the expectations and traditions and, most of all, away form this wretched house.

...surely Santa Clause will find the children anywhere in the world!