(This was hand written earlier this morning...when I did not happen to have my laptop with me.)
Trigger Warning: Self-Harm
"Please forgive me. I double-booked the pharmacy. Collect your millage and you may go home", I was told when I arrived at work today...but I can't go home.
I bought new blades yesterday at work...along with Bandaids. It must have been a sight - the pharmacist is on her dinner break, but first she must stop at the front counter to purchase a little box of blades along with some Bandaids to go with it. She will be having her dinner in the third row seat of her minivan...or whatever she does, if you can put two and two together.
I did not cut last night. During dinner, I emailed my therapist instead. It took almost all the strength that I had and a monstrous work load not to run into the bathroom with a blade in hand and slice my wrists. I craved the momentary numbness and electrical sensation in my brain that a crisp sharp cut would bring.
I did not cut in the solitary comfort of my room after I arrived home last night. I called my therapist during the drive instead.
Today is different. A morning home alone awaits me, and I can't do it. I simply do not trust myself...so I don't go home. I stop at a local bookstore, buy a journal and a cup of tea and write my guts out.
I could have a lovely day at home...if I did not feel so poorly about myself...if I didn't feel like cutting is what I deserve...if I didn't feel like trash...if I didn't feel like cutting a line across my wrist for every time that I have felt like a bad mother for wanting to break up my family. Likewise, I would cut a line across the other wrist for every time that I have felt that I allow my husband to disrespect me and force himself upon me simply by remaining in the relationship. I would have cuts all the way up both arms, and I would hurt...but then I would wear my pain on the outside. Then, I could touch the pain; it would be plain and visible, not this deep and hidden pain that wants to be touched but, alas, is so unreachable.
I can't go home, but I must.
Would there be benefit in re-reading some of your earlier resolute posts? 'She' might possibly be of help and comfort. ('Comfort'= com: with; fort:strength).
ReplyDeletePerhaps. Generally, this is something I do cautiously, as a lot of my posts contain material that is just too painful for me to re-read.
DeleteI opted for a few extra hours of sleep last night, and it seemed to make a difference in my obsession with cutting.
Thanks for the stem definitions...I am a fan of words :)
When the self-loathing and depression make me abnormally numb I get another tattoo. Partly for the pain to jerk me back to reality and partly to distract me.
ReplyDeletehttp://emergingfrombroken.com/ This site got me through the holidays. You might want to take a look at it. Darlene is wise and inspirational.
I'm not a tattoo kind of gal (I like being able to change my mind), but I can understand the reasoning. In fact, I know that some people who self-harm also get tattoos...it's all about the pain sensation.
DeleteThanks for the link to Darlene's sight. I had seen it in your blog and had visited a time or two before. I just took another look.
I am so glad that we found each other. I understand you wanting to wear your pain outside you for all to see. It is a scream, "I want someone to help, cause I can't do it alone." That's me anyway, perpetually feeling alone. I giggle reading one of the posts above about how you should reread one of your early resolute posts, ha that is me too. I wrote a book to help others in our same situation (cause I couldn't find one like it out there) I am always calling my mom crying about this or that and she is always telling me to go read my book. It is so easy to think it, read it, write it...but doing it is such a different story. Do you have a support group to go to? That is my one saving grace. I meet with women each week to just chat. They are all going through the same thing, but they have all left, or in the process of leaving their abuser. I am determined to stay though. I'll chat more later. Gotta go to bed now. Meghan (findinghopessunshine)
DeleteThank you for coming by, Meghan! And thank you for understanding. Indeed, I have been and felt so strong...written posts busting with courage and resolution. I have done some courageous things, but the one step remains that I cannot seem to take. So I drown in self-hate and shame wondering how long I will be able to continue to live a life divided.
DeleteI do not attend a support group (I'm afraid I would run into some of my own patients! Ha ha, wouldn't that be something!). I do have a brilliant, incredibly patient, kind and compassionate therapist. He is the epitome of safety and refuge and has walked many rugged miles by my side.
I also have several women friends with whom I just chat. I don't necessarily reveal my darkest struggles, but we use each other to just vent about life in general. It does not really matter what we talk about, sometimes it's just good to be in their company feeling their love and comradery.
Thanks again for your comment, Meghan. I too am glad we found each other.