I want to run away from my life today. About five minutes after settling into my therapist's office this morning, I wanted to bolt. I wanted to leave...to go somewhere far. I had tears and screams trapped inside my throat. I could not acknowledge them. The urge to cut, to punish and hurt myself haunts me again. Even this I could not speak, and I felt that I was losing myself. My body was sitting in his office, but I was leaving...quickly falling into my own bitter darkness, a place others cannot reach. But just before I slipped away, I called out in a seemingly strange but rather helpful way.
If I could just hold the Puppies, I thought, then I could speak. They seemed so far away...at the back of the table, not at the edge where I had previously left them. "My baby has been asking about the Puppies", a safe thing to say, "You know she named them", I added as I reached for the little stuffed creatures and held them...and I was able to speak.
"I want to cut..."
"I feel trapped...like a child..."
Holding those little Puppies on my lap, I could say these words and save myself from the fear, pain and solitude of that place in my soul where I am lost and unreachable.
"Please don't cut", say the puppies and all those others who care about you.
ReplyDeleteAfter talking with my therapist, I think I might refrain tonight.
DeleteIt must be incredibly difficult to refrain from one thing (cutting) that can give a temporary release from the emotional/psychological pain that you are experiencing. From my own experience, if I don't speak, there's a danger of suffocating in my own turmoil. We need to connect and share, but that's usually the last thing we seek when we're at our worst. I wish there were some magical comforting words that might offer a little comfort, but I can only sit here and listen. Hope today has been better
DeleteIt is comforting to know that you are listening, Cat. Thank you. What I experience when I am at the worst of my depression is an inability to open my mouth and speak. The deeper I spin into my black hole, the harder it is for me to make the connection between my brain and my mouth. I have the words that I want to say formed in my mind. I want to blurt them out so badly, but I simply cannot find a way to open my mouth.
Delete...but sometimes, if I reach out in some way, just before I slip away for good, then I can find a way to speak. Holding these little stuffed puppies on my lap is one of those ways.
I can relate to that
ReplyDeleteThat's encouraging.
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