Sleepovers and Fathers

There is a possibility that I may be oversensitive and overprotective of my daughters around men (specifically other kids' fathers). I simply don't know what is normal. I have no reference point. All I know is that a man who was not my father and who should have cared for me and protected me began to molest me when I was ten years old...my older daughter is now ten.

At this age there are many invitations to spend the night at friends' houses, and sleepover birthday parties are quite popular. We have one rule: You will not spend the night at anybody's house unless you have already been to that house for a play date. Basically, the first time you go to a friend's house will never be to spend the night. I will use drop-off and pick-up time at the play date to get a feeling for the family and the general environment of the house. Consequent to this rule, sleepovers have generally been limited to those friends whose families we have known for quite some time. I believe this is good sensible parenting, independent of my childhood trauma.

Today, my daughter had an invitation to one such sleepover birthday party. The birthday child is a girl who dances with my daughter and whom she met last summer at camp. We have never been to their house, and her mother and I chat very briefly as we are picking up the girls after dance class. Needless to say, when accepting the invitation, I had no problem letting her know that my daughter would be happy to join the others for all aspects of the celebration, but she would not be able to spend the night. The mother was quite understanding, and the plan was that I would meet her and the others at the nearby movie theater, they would watch a movie and then she and her husband would drive the six girls back to her house for the remainder of the party. At around 9:30 pm, I would pick up my daughter, before they started to settle for bed.

Everything went swimmingly. When I arrived at the house with my younger daughter, she and her husband were in the living room, while the girls were in a bedroom watching a movie. My youngest disappeared into the bedroom with the girls, while I chatted with the mother and played with the dogs...and sometime during all that, the father disappeared too. When I went in to gather my own girls, I found him in the room among all the girls.

This is where it gets confusing for me. The bedroom was set up with various beds and mattresses to accommodate the young overnight guests. Some girls may have already been in their pajamas. I saw him stepping over the mattresses so as to move from one side of the room to another. He may have gone in there just to get something, but I did not see him come out of the room.

"What is he doing in there?", was my first thought. Then, "I certainly made the right decision by not letting her spend the night here. This is not a house were she will be allowed to spend the night!"

I felt very uncomfortable with a man hanging out in a room of ten year old girls in their pajamas. I don't know if this is normal or my abuse talking. I have hosted sleepovers at my own house, and my husband has always made himself very scarce. He is sure to be present at dinner, the cake cutting and breakfast in the morning, but you will never see him anywhere near ten year old girls dressed in nightgowns and pajamas. But is there anything wrong with a father joining his daughter and her friends to watch a movie at her birthday party? I don't know. All I know is that I got that familiar feeling of panicky anger when I saw him in that bedroom with all those girls. My imagination was a runaway train, envisioning all kinds of creepy scenarios that might occur throughout the rest of the night. I was quick to get my girls together and leave the house.

Am I crazy? Oversensitive and overprotective? Was this man really just a harmless dad celebrating with his daughter? Am I right to act on just my gut feeling that something just doesn't feel right here?