On Wednesday I had my obligatory annual physical exam. The nurse took my vital signs and went through her series of customary questions in preparation for the physician's exam.
...Do you have headaches?
...history of this?
...history of that?
...Depression?
"I see someone about that", I replied, not wanting to discuss it any further.
"Do you feel like you don't enjoy the things you used to enjoy?", she continued.
"There is someone I see about that", I insisted (hint: We are done talking about this!!)
"In the last ten days, have you...?"
What the fuck?!!! In the last ten days, I have refused to go to sleep, so as to not have to find the morning again. In the last ten days, rising out of bed in the morning brings with it the acrid dread of being alive yet another day. In the last ten days, I have fought with the demons that tell me I must harm myself in order to feel relief from my now chronic pain.
During the past ten days, I have wanted to drive my van right off the road on the nights that I drive home from work alone and in darkness. I have scoped out sections of the road where I might just punch the accelerator and drive off the goddamn face of the earth.
Of course, I did not say these things to her.
"'Some days are good, some days are bad", I offered, "It depends what is going on in my life. It's mostly situational, and I'm seeing someone about it"
"So I should just answer no to this then?"
"Yes, you can just say no to that question."
...and don't ever ask me that again. I have this situation under control, and I don't really want to talk to you about it. I have never met you before. You are my physician's new nurse. What trust have you and I built? I have someone I trust, and I tried to tell you that I will only talk to him about this. Yes, I am living in a hole whose walls get taller and whose light gets dimmer. I walk the thin tightrope between life and death. Support from my family and blog readers and sitting with my therapist keep me from losing my balance and plunging to my death.
...but this is none of your business, and you should just have let it go.
Just "holding on" carries its own dignity !
ReplyDelete...like walking through a storm.
DeleteNosey mare!! It is so very difficult to talk about our episodes of depression to people who are strangers, albeit health professionals ones. I understand those feelings of hopelessness/helplessness. It is all credit to you for holding it all together. Are you seeing someone, or were you just appeasing the nurse?
ReplyDelete"Nosey mare"?? Ha ha. I do enjoy some of your expressions, Cat!
DeleteYes, I have continued to see my therapist once a week (the same one I did EMDR with last year). I feel safe falling apart in his office. I did not feel this way in front of this nurse, and I was afraid that her prodding was going to compromise the safety walls that allow me to hold it together.
Yes, I understand the danger of falling apart. It's good to know you still have the therapy. It's so important to regularly open the pressure valve. I know it doesn't feel like it, but you are doing remarkably well
ReplyDeleteThank you, Cat. From the eye of the storm, it's hard to see anything but storm all around you.
DeleteOh my gosh, I just want to DECK her. I've encountered so many clueless dumbasses this week as well. Sorry you had to suffer through that. Sometimes I want to just say to people, "Seriously, you have no idea how much work it takes to appear this normal."
ReplyDeleteEXACTLY!!! I know the poor thing was probably just trying to do her job...thoroughly, but she had no idea how much it took for me to make that appointment in the first place and then actually show up! I wanted to make it through the rest of the appointment without freaking out or falling apart, but her persistent questioning was making it very difficult. It would have been nice if she was paying enough attention to know when enough is enough.
Delete