"Don't you miss us?"
"You don't love me anymore..."
"When are you going to find it within your heart?"
"Get over it. Let it go!"
"All this pride..."
These are all the things he just said to me. This is how I replied.
"I can't make myself feel a certain way any more than you can."
"Do you really think this is just about my pride?"
"It must be so easy for you to say that I should just 'find it within my heart'."
"How do you think I should feel if every time you come near me all I remember is the last night we were together?"
He dismissed me with, "You're never going to get over it; you're never going to work through it."
"No, I'm never going to get over it", I said as I got up and walked away.
What the fuck?? Do I even have to get over it? Why do I have to move at his pace? Can't I heal in my own time? He certainly does not do anything to help my process along. On the contrary!
Yes, this is over...this has been over. Wasn't he the one who begged me not to give up on us? How can he think that my feelings can change just because he wills it?
I suppose I need to just shit or get off the pot. Christmas has passed, and it's time to move in one direction or another. God grant me the courage to proceed.
Lots of "YOU" 's . Do you detect any reciprocal self-reflection ?
ReplyDeleteNone whatsoever. It is as if I'm the one doing wrong by holding on to things, not moving on, etc. Somehow the burden lies on me to "get over it".
DeleteWould a definition and/or elaboration of "Holding On" be helpful ? At least, I sense that you are clear for yourself what that means. And, does "get over it" mean "forget or pretend that it did not happen"? If so, then ____?_____
DeleteIt appears to me, gauging from his attitude, that pretending it never happened would suit him just fine. I simply cannot do that. And perhaps there is a part of me that never wants to forget. Maybe I'm holding on to my pain, or maybe I just haven't had enough time to heal.
DeleteEither way, if we just move on and pretend nothing happened, then I would feel like what happened to me wasn't really important. I would feel like maybe I was just making a big to do about nothing. The way my husband and I relate would continue in the same fashion it always has. I would think he would feel like he never did anything wrong in the first place, and I finally came to my senses.
...and what's to tell me that terrible night wouldn't happen again?
No, you cannot make yourself feel a certain way. Once that switch has been flipped...
ReplyDeleteWhen my son was 1, problems between my ex and I had escalated to the point of mild violence. Had he stayed, he probably would have lost it one day and beaten the shit out of me. What he chose to do instead was leave. He moved out, just like that. It may have seemed like a good idea at the time, but I was in shock. That switch flipped for me and I lost all respect for him right then and there.
No matter how hard he tried to remedy things, it never happened. And believe me, he had done a lot of heinous things in the past that had never flipped my switch before (cheating, debt, lying, drinking). Maybe it stemmed from my father leaving. Who knows? What I did know was I could never be with a man I didn't respect and I didn't respect a man who could leave his son and the mother of his son.
I wanted that family. I wanted him in my son's life, but I couldn't allow him back into mine. It was a very sad time. Very difficult. Whatever you do, your decision shouldn't be based on fear or stubbornness. Nor should it be based on what's "best" for the children. You know deep down what you should do.
Thanks for sharing this with me, Tiffany. The "switch" thing is exactly what happened with me too. For me, it was the trust switch. How can I ever trust him with my vulnerability again? He crushed that. How can I ever feel anything but platonic affection for him again? I can certainly never lie in a bed with him again. When he approaches me in any sexual manner, my body just feels fear and panic. I go into a primitive mode that only says "protect yourself".
DeleteHow can I trample over these very real feelings? I suppose "getting over it" and "moving on" would mean doing just that - telling myself to shut up and quit whining...for the sake of everyone else.
'WHINING' is absolutely NOT what you are doing, as you very well know . . . regardless of anyone else's implication !
DeleteI didn't think so either. I just feel like that's what I would be telling myself if I move forward sooner than I am ready to.
DeleteI'm not so sure "getting over it" is possible, but perhaps you can work through it. That would mean a lot of work and probably something you might need a couples-Therapists help with. I can't but help feel that, if he is still approaching you sexually, then he really doesn't get it, does he?
ReplyDeleteExactly!! His approach rarely seems to be about where I am, but more about what will it take to get me to be where he is! Completely self-centered...what a GD turn-off!
DeleteGD?
ReplyDeleteI apologize. I could not bring myself to put in print the profanity that was going through my mind, so I abbreviated it instead. Please, just ignore that.
Delete*titters*
Delete