A Penny for Your Thoughts

"Heads" is crying, "tails" is cutting. This is not a toss, this is a choice.

Tonight I choose "heads".

Although I may not be able to cry, tonight I choose not to cut. Maybe the tears will come later. Who would have thought tears would be so desired, yet so difficult to summon?

I cannot cry for myself, for my own sadness. I simply sink into the black hole of this sorrow until I feel like I will vanish.

I wish I could cry.

I sob at movies, I cry through songs, and I weep for other people's pain...but not for me.

I can't even imagine what it would be like if I cried for all that pain, for all those wrongs. Would I ever be able to stop? Would it be like when I watched The Prince of Tides? I could not stop. Would I then walk around fragile and vulnerable because I cried?

I fear the tears - the loss of control. And what about the little girl in me? Would she drown in the watershed?

On the other hand, I wish I could cry if instead of sinking and vanishing I cried. I wish I could cry if instead of cutting I cried...and it felt as satisfying.

But even in the absence of tears, tonight I lay the penny on my wrist "heads" up.

I choose "heads".