I am tired and tired of fighting. It has been a turbulent couple of years, and it ain't even over yet.. I can use some help. Maybe, I just need something to get me through the rest of the fight, because I don't feel like I have the energy. Yet, by even admitting this, I feel defeated...as if making it without medication is winning some kind of fight...as if taking medication is losing. Yes, this is I, the pharmacist, the keeper of the drugs, the giver of the pills who feels this way.
I wondered today if life wouldn't be just a little bit easier if I took a little Zoloft, if I wouldn't have more energy with Prozac.
...or maybe I should just deal with my shit.
Ah, Meds ! Something to discuss with your therapist ?
ReplyDeletePossibly...I might need to...if I don't change my mind...
DeleteI struggled with this dilemma for a long time--10 years, to be exact. I tried to go the natural way so many times, but nothing seemed to work. I was more concerned with the ill effects meds have on the body, rather than anything else. It wasn't until after the birth of my son and feeling like I was losing my f*cking mind, as well as my ex leaving me, that I gave in and started taking them.
ReplyDeleteI'll share my thoughts...I think meds are necessary when one has a chemical imbalance in the brain, and then consequently they may need to be taken long-term. I also think they can be useful to take short-term during a crisis, when life seems overwhelming and stressful, and your quality of life is being affected--meaning, you're not able to get tasks done and your kids are seeing you depressed. So they can be used to get over the hump when nothing else seems to be working.
That being said, I would maybe exhaust other possibilities before resorting to meds--esp. considering your conflicted feelings about them. As I said, I tried acupuncture, herbs, neurotransmitters, exercise, omegas, algaes, vitamins--you name it. All these can work for certain kinds of stress and depression, they just didn't ultimately work for me.
Given what you're going through it's logical to feel the way you do. Divorce is one of THE most stressful events, and I won't even mention what it's like to care for kids alone. You're working full-time, coming home and dealing with kids, cooking, cleaning, and the responsibilities go on and on. Maybe you feel like you have no ME time, maybe you aren't having any fun, maybe you feel lonely.
I will say this--it took 3 different meds before I found one that worked. The first 2 zonked me out. Wanted to sleep all the time. I've been on meds now for 12 years, and I still get lows. I still feel things too intensely. So while they haven't been a miracle for me, they did help me through the most intense awful period of my life when it was just me taking care of a 1-year-old and I HAD to keep it together. Kids are smart and intuitive and while it's okay for them to see you weak at times, it's when it becomes an everyday thing that it may be detrimental to them.
I have no doubt you are strong and resilient. And self-aware. You will make the right choice that's best for you.
November 20, 2015 at 6:28 PM
Thank you so much for this T. Your fourth paragraph hit the mark for me. Yes, I feel all of the above. If I could just take something to help me get through the A-bomb and its aftermath.
Delete...but then there are the side effects, uggh...and the trial and error period. I don't feel like I have the patience for it. And I would have to see another provider to get the prescriptions - HORRORS, HORRORS, HORRORS! And no, I wouldn't want to stay on it indefinitely...just for now...just for this rough time. Which would mean, that I would have to get off the meds one day, and getting off antidepressants feels awful!
So far I have been able to get through my really dark days with really good counseling, and I could probably get through this time the same way...but I am so tired, and sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have a little help.
Thank you for sharing your experience with me; it's like having a girlfriend to bounce your thoughts with :)
Bear with me, because goodness knows when people suggest common-sense things to me I want to knock them in to tomorrow...but if it's primarily fatigue that's worsening the depression, can you try a few other tactics first?
DeleteBecause I know when I eat like crap and don't do any exercise, I feel worse. Can you: take a brisk walk with the kids after dinner? Eat a salad with some protein, or a sweet potato with veggies for dinner--something to ease the burden of the body and make you feel healthier? Pop some Omega 3s and multis? Take a bath with Epson salts and lavender essential oil?
I know, I know--I sound like a dumb article written in a New Age magazine and I'm sure you know all these things already, but sometimes, sometimes, if I do something "worthy" for me, like work out, esp. if I'm feeling fat and yucky, then the sense of accomplishment I feel helps with my mindset a little.
Believe me, I know to do all these things and still, sometimes I don't because I'd prefer to self-sabotage and wallow, but then other times I really don't want to feel like shit, so I'll try to get out of it.
Also, have to gone to other sites or blogs dealing with divorce? That may help you feel not so alone as well.
I'm here for you. Holidays are difficult for me. I tend to sleep my depression away, but I also don't want my son thinking I'm a narcoleptic either! haha
Alright T, I think I've gotten over myself enough to reply to this comment. It's not easy to say, "Alright, alright; you're right, you're right! I should be doing all of those things...but I'm not!" 'Cause if I were, I probably wouldn't be feeling the way I'm feeling.
DeleteLack of physical activity is probably a huge factor right now. I really miss running, but alas, the plantar fasciitis just won't quit, plus I can't really leave the kids home alone to go do that. But yes, I can go on a bike ride with them, and sometimes I do, when time permits...and I always feel better.
The food is too complicated to even go into. When I cook, I eat well...but I make breakfast only for the kids, as I can't bring myself to eat at 6:30 or 7:00 AM when they are eating. When I am feeling unworthy, I respond by either shoving junk food into my body or just going without. I can eat well, but not consistently. I did, however, have a spinach salad with dinner tonight, because I thought about what you wrote.
I'm tired, and my recent move is seriously kicking my ass. My beautiful new house is an absolute disaster, and I don't have the time or energy to do anything about it...and the mess brings me down...catch 22. When I do have the energy, I opt for unpacking boxes rather than exercising or getting outside.
I guess when I say I'm tired, I mean I am tired of fighting. I've been fighting for a fucking long time, and I need help to keep up the fight. Trust me, I would rather do all of the above rather than get on meds, but how do I summon up the energy to just take the next step?
...there is one thing that I have been doing consistently - that's taking baths with Epson salts and lavender essential oil...and a glass of wine or brandy :)