Weeks ago, my next-door neighbor offered to come over with a bottle of wine when her daughter is in town for Thanksgiving. I happened to move next door to the parents of one of my son's close friends during high school. When she proposed this visit, I was quite open to it, as I wanted to spend time with the young lady as well as catch up a little bit with her mother. Today when I got home, she approached me to make concrete plans for this weekend. I almost panicked!
The truth is that I have a house full of boxes and am in no position to host or entertain anybody! Who in their right mind would ask somebody who moved less than two months ago to receive them in your home? The truth is that I would have preferred for my nephew's mother to have asked me to have Thanksgiving at her place...but really, I would rather she just go to see her mother, so I don't have to even try.
And my neighbor...oh my god...how do I even act normal? I haven't seen her kid since 2006. Seriously, what I wish is for these people to just scoop me up and tell me that it's OK to rest. I don't feel like I have anything to give to them right now.
I've just been reading through the last 3mths of posts. I'm sorry to hear things aren't so good at the moment, but it's hardly surprising when we consider what you're going through within and the external expectations that you're not quite ready to face. Sometimes it is so difficult to say no, but 'recovery' can be a very selfish journey and we often need to just take care of ourselves and the immediate environment.
ReplyDeleteFeeling inherently bad is steeped in our abusive past and the self-blame is something that is incredibly difficult to change, but awareness is most definitely a huge part of the battle.
I've been following you for a long time and, even though things are difficult, I sense a significant amount of strength and courage that wasn't there 18mths ago. It's so easy to beat ourselves up for not coping as well as we should, but it helps to try to remember just how far we've come.
I hope you're thanksgiving went okay.... keep writing
Thank you, Cat. It's so good to hear you say that. When times get tough like this, I do try to remember how far I've come. It's what keeps me from completely spiraling out of control, and like you said, awareness is half the battle.
DeleteThanks for reading. It's good to see you around here again. I will keep writing. It makes a huge difference.