I apologize to those who have left comments to which I have not been able to respond. I have had a difficult past few days and have had to kind of "check out" for a little while. I will be back.
I kept my appointment with the lawyer yesterday...and that was monumental. Although from the outside it may seem obvious that if you are seeking a divorce seeing lawyer would be a positive step to which you look forward, for me that step has been accompanied by complicated emotions and conflicting actions and attitudes. This past weekend was particularly turbulent for me, culminating in a Monday morning that almost brought me to my knees. Self-hatred and self-punishment were at a high, paralyzing me from accomplishing any preparations required for my afternoon meeting.
After communicating my state of mind to my therapist, he called me to see him for a short while before my appointment with the lawyer. For this I was grateful. For this I got up from the floor and left my blade, showered and became presentable and dared to drive away form my dark house into the uncertainty and the fear of the day that awaited me.
In an email that morning, I had asked for his help in being strong...in not harming myself. When I walked into his office, he was prepared with help but in a manner that was completely unexpected for me. He asked me to pull up my sleeve and offer him my wrist...I balked.
"No", I said and turned away from him.
"Yes, Rising!", he replied in a loud and firm voice...sounding exactly like my husband. I couldn't believe it! I hardly recognized him. He was insisting, like my husband...the way he insists on doing things that I do not feel comfortable with. The way he insists that I kiss him even when I don't want to, the way he insists that I lie back against him or that I hug him.
I took some time to grasp reality, and then I heard him asking for my trust...asking, not demanding.
"Please trust me on this", he said. As I became aware that he was not my husband, I remembered that I had asked for his help...and he was offering it. I turned around, rolled up my sleeve and allowed him to help me.
Afterwards, he prayed with me. Although my therapist is an ordained minister, in over ten years that I have known him, we have never prayed together. I was deeply touched.
I never told him that during my drive to his office that morning, I came to the conclusion that the only thing that could help me would be prayer...and that I would ask him if he would pray with me.
"Indeed there is a God!", I thought when he extended this beautiful and touching gesture. How could he have known that it was exactly what I needed?
Wow, he truly sounds like one of a kind. How lucky you are to have found him.
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way :)
DeleteI'm so happy you got what you needed! I don't think going to the lawyer is anywhere near as easy as people seem to think it is. My mom knew she needed to divorce my dad because of how he was treating her/acting, but she still was filled with trepidation, and actually cried before and after the appointment. One thing I think you need to give yourself credit for though is the fact *you asked for help.* As a kindred spirit in many ways, I know how hard it is to do that and make yourself vulnerable. It took a LOT of strength for you to ask, so you had it all along inside of you. I believe in you, and it sounds like your therapist does too. :)
ReplyDelete(and thanks for the welcome back. I feel weird, lol.) xoxo
Thank you. Lauren. It is comforting to know that I am not the only one who has had such a hard time with this decision. I have been taking this process one step at a time, and with each step, I get a little bit stronger.
DeleteI haven't been around much lately but have been wondering about two things in this post; why did he want to see your wrist and why was he being so insistent? I imagine he already knows that someone's insistence might trigger memories in you. It struck me as odd that he applied such dominance.... or maybe I read too much into it....or perhaps he had a specific reason....? He sounds a good therapist, I hope I am as fortunate with mine (new one)
ReplyDeleteHi Cat! Good to see you around again :)
DeleteHe wanted to show me a technique for an alternative to cutting. The whole thing caught me by surprise, so I reacted by withdrawing and refusing. Emotionally, I was in a pretty bad place, and he really wanted to help me. After I was able to trust him, he was very helpful.
Yes, his insistence was certainly a trigger for me, but it is something that we plan to address in another session.
He is an amazing man and an incredible therapist. I do feel quite fortunate to have found him. See this:
http://thoughtshecouldsoshedid.blogspot.com/2013/06/you-raise-me-up.html
I wish you the best of luck with your new therapist.
if this is too personal, please tell me to cluck off ;) but what was the alternative to cutting? I could really use some help in that area now, and am very open to other ideas ...
Delete*safe hugs*
I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling with this also, Lauren. The alternative is not anything magical, just a simple ice cube, but surprisingly effective for me. You may have heard of this.
DeleteHe handed me an ice cube and asked me to place it on the wrist where I would cut and hold it there until it felt uncomfortable...or painful. I held it there even past this point...through the pain. Surprisingly, the sensation that I felt while holding the ice on my wrist was similar to the sensation I feel when I cut. It was enough to at least momentarily curb the urge...and because I am not actually harming myself, I can repeat this as many times as it takes to get through whatever I'm going through.
After he showed me this, I took a cup of ice into my room every night before going to bed...and used it. As I felt the pain of the ice radiating into my hand and up my arm, I imagined myself cutting and thought the same thoughts I would think if I were cutting. When I was sufficiently satisfied, I would dry my wrists and go to sleep...no harm, no mess.
Eventually, after a few days, I did not need to bring the cup of ice into my room anymore...but I knew it was there if I needed it again. (Tonight I needed it)
I must thank you, Lauren, for the opportunity to write about this. I saw your comment on my phone while I was at work this morning, and I have to admit that, initially, I felt that this was too intimate for me to share (as if...). I thought about it all day, wondering whether or not I would reply. At the end (especially after reading your post form April 15), I decided that helping each other get through some of our darkest hours is one of the reasons why a lot of us write and read each other's blogs. I know things are rough right now. I am glad that you are back in the blogosphere. I hope this will be helpful for you.
Safe hugs back at you :)