Sometimes I'm Strong, and Sometimes I Cry

Sometimes I'm a strong man

Sometimes cold and scared

and sometimes I cry

(from Leather and Lace, Stevie Nicks with Don Henley)
 

I did not realize how intense this week has been until...well...tonight. I had been getting my older daughter ready for her first overnight field trip while also hosting my mother-in-law and working a few extra hours in my schedule. As if that weren't enough, I had to complete some live continuing education (CE) credits via webinars so that the Board of Pharmacy will renew my license for next year. I found myself all over the house with this webinar on my mobile trying to sort out clothes, pack, and put children to bed while "attending" the meeting. WTF? Who the hell does that? It was completely ridiculous, stressful and exhausting.

The entire week was pretty much non-stop, and I feel like I had been running on pure adrenaline. Now that my daughter and husband (chaperoning) are off on their trip and my mother-in-law has gone home, I am finally crashing.

There were so many emotions that came up this week that I did not have time to deal with. I certainly did not have the time or space to write. I would love nothing more than to sit with my therapist and talk (I wish I had more time to just take care of myself). There is so much that I need to get out.

I don't really feel as strong as I seem sometimes. I know that at times I am brave and at times I am strong, but tonight I feel neither of those. Tonight I feel scared and uncertain and that old nagging sense of just being inadequate.

My beautiful evening alone with my youngest ended with her having a temper tantrum, because I would not let her watch a television program well past her bedtime...ouch. The real pain, however, came this morning when I dropped my husband and my daughter off at her school for the field trip. After they boarded, I stood alongside the coach buses with a few other moms and dads to await their departure and wave goodbye. Yes, I cried. For goodness sake, this is my girl's first overnight trip without her mother! Then came the lonely empty feeling. What kind of pain would I feel when the time comes to let them have their weekend (or whatever time) with Daddy? It was a rip-my-insides-out kind of pain, and the idea of it is enough to make me want to change my mind about leaving.

...and this is where I get sick, disgusted and confused., because I know that staying with him would just be the death of me.