Tonight I'm feeling crappy, and this post is just me trying to figure out what the hell is going on in my head. It will probably not make a lot of sense, but I am hoping it will help me make sense of my own thoughts and feelings.
Where do I begin? Perhaps with the fact that my husband found his way into my bed again this morning. Both the girls had slept in the bed with me last night, so I suppose he thought it was safe to join them. He curled up close to me and held me. My little one was overcome with love and comfort over seeing Mommy and Daddy together again. I was nauseated.
Memories of my stepfather haunt me...walking with my mother...no car...no home. I can't touch that feeling; it hurts too much, so there is just and emptiness associated with it. No. If I think about it more, it's anger I feel...I want to scream out of this world angry. Arrrrrrgh! Too many emotions!
Did I tell you about my Boost diet? No, I did not. That's because I have been trying to hide it from EVERYBODY. I suppose I should start by telling you how I started on it. A few weeks ago when I was feeling suicidal, one of the things I spoke with my therapist about was my lack of nutrition. I could not eat and was forcing down about one meal a day. He gave me a little lesson on the abc's of nutrition and it's effects on mood and clarity of mind and suggested a liquid nutritional supplement until I was able to tolerate solid food better. I brushed off the recommendation letting him know that I could not tolerate those drinks (too much lactose).
The next morning, I found myself at work with an empty stomach and a pain in a place that was way too suggestive of an ulcer. I considered the fact that I had been exposing my stomach to gastric acid for extended periods of time without the normal buffer of food. Add to that higher than normal levels of stress, and you've got the recipe for a stomach ulcer. I immediately stopped the work that I was doing and marched myself to the nutritional aisle of my pharmacy. There I found a six-pack of Boost - lactose free! I made my purchase and consumed my first bottle. It was not long before the pain in my stomach calmed down and my brain started to think more clearly.
This has been my diet on most days for the last few weeks: a bottle of Boost for breakfast, one for lunch, and for dinner I force down some solid food because I and sitting down with my family. On the weekends, I usually eat more regular meals with the kids. Always after these "force feedings", I am nauseated and sick for a least an hour...maybe longer. Tonight, I could not stand it, and I vomited. Yes, it was self-induced.
There...I said it...just one more thing to feel disgusted at myself for.
This is really not a good night, as I find myself doubled over in pain...both physical and emotional.
Can you flex your "muscle" . . . even a tiny bit ??
ReplyDeleteI believe I did so this morning (just forgot to credit myself for it). Once again, he was in my bed this morning...without the kids. I did not have the energy to tell him to leave (although I told him only little kids are welcome in my bed), but I did tell him to stop rubbing me. He did not stop, but it was still a tiny flex of the muscle.
DeleteAfter we were up and about in the kitchen, he thanked me for sharing my bed with him. I replied that I did not share my bed with him...tiny flex. He asked, "What did I do? Force myself?" I said, "Yes".
I am in awe of you for being able to perform at your job every day while going through this hell. It takes a lot of inner fortitude to deal with people, in a public place when you feel like you're dying inside. So...for that, you should be proud of yourself. It may not seem like much, but it is.
ReplyDeleteAs for the eating, I'm the same where when I get emotionally upset or stressed out, I lose my appetite. Because I have blood sugar problems, I end up having panic attacks when I don't eat, so I have to force myself and drinking a protein drink is usually the best way to go. If my blood sugar gets too low, I get even more stressed out and feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown, so if you're struggling to keep it together, then don't go too long without protein. A few raw almonds also help, like say, if you're working, feel light-headed, and can't drink a Boost. Keep them in your pocket.
There are some moms where I live that don't keep it together. They're on drugs, can't hold down a job, or just let their mothers raise their kids while they go out and party.
You, my friend, are doing stellar in the face of adversity.
Thank you T. I really needed some encouragement today. Sometimes, when you are in the midst of it all, it's hard to see the value in all you do. It really does take all the strength that I have to do my work when I am having a particularly low or emotional day. Frankly, I too am awed when I make it through a day!
DeleteMotherhood is a precious gift, and you only get one shot (per kid) at it. I am not looking to screw that up. I know from experience that this time with my kids will fly swiftly, and I don't want to miss a thing!
Thank you again for your uplifting words. I have had a difficult time really seeing myself this way.
Considering what you've been going through, it's hardly surprising your diet is all over the place.
ReplyDeleteI've been trying not to beat myself up over it, but the vomiting felt like a new low.
DeleteThanks for stopping by.
As Cat said it is not surprising that you diet has taken a hit, your focus will be off. Perhaps just keep nibbles about that can be consumed at any time. I used to drink a thing called Nourishment which came in cans. I loved it. Hope things get better dear x
ReplyDeleteThanks, MMS. Lovely seeing you around. The Boost is doing the job for now. I think I'll hop over to your blog and listen to your latest audio. This lady can use some cheering up :)
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