You Raise Me Up

 When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

 

(from You Raise Me Up, Josh Groban)

 



I believe that if you have a kind word or a compliment about someone, you should say it aloud and directly to them. There are far too many unkind words and overall meanness floating around in the world. This is what I believe and strive for, but not always what I do.

As I mentioned in my previous attempt at a post, yesterday's therapy session did not include EMDR. As a kind of break form the grueling sessions that EMDR tend to be, I shared some pictures and he shared some stories. The conversation migrated towards the topic of "Who's Shoulders Do You Stand on?" And to give credit where credit is due, this is the title of a post on a blog that my therapist writes.

Basically, we talked about how we got to be where we are now, how the choices that others before us made and the right circumstances at the right time have afforded us pleasures and successes that we enjoy now. This is not limited to professional or financial accomplishments. It also includes emotional well being and mental health.

This is what I wanted to tell him but somehow could not find the right words or even bring myself to articulate the overwhelming feelings of nothing more than absolute gratitude:

You raise me up...on your shoulders I stand. I have played this song in my car so many times on my way to therapy. Maybe it's corny, but what can I say? Josh Groban says it pretty clearly. Maybe I don't think you're supposed to say this kind of stuff to your therapist. I really don't know, but here it is. It's how I feel.

I happened upon your office because the one before you failed. She could not reach me. A male therapist is exactly what I was NOT looking for, but you came well recommended as an expert in helping women who had been sexually abused. I was broken and desperate, so I decided to try.

You could reach me, and slowly I began to trust you. There is something about your gentle fatherly manner that helps me relax in your presence. I trust you openly and completely, because you have never judged me. I have shared with you the ugliest of me and I have never felt judged or reprimanded by you.

When I have sat with you in my lowest moments, you have shared with me your wisdom, experience and expertise. Your words of constant encouragement raise me up. You give me strength to be more than I ever imagined I could be. Standing on your shoulders, I am able to speak up for myself. I am able to defend and protect myself in ways I was previously incapable of doing. From your shoulders, I can see, in the not so far distance, a world where healing is possible and memories are stories from the past, not nightmares in the present.

I don't know what my journey of healing would have been like if I had never moved into a town where I did not know anyone and sought help from the only place I knew to turn to - my employer's counseling referral office. I don't know what it would have been like if you had remained a college professor or dedicated your life to being a minister. I know that once I met you, it did not take me long to realize that you are the only person who I have ever felt could take me through this journey safely and completely. You are not aware of the times when I turned down employment in a fairer city, because I did not think I would find one like you elsewhere.

I agree with you. I also believe that we are meant to meet the people whom we meet. I am thankful that I met you.

I don't know if it is even healthy to feel this way, but there it is...I just needed to say it. Maybe I'm overly dependent. Maybe he is just a damn good therapist who truly cares and it shows. Either way, I feel blessed to have him in my life.