Strong Steel

Oh, baby, be strong for me

Baby, belong to me

Help me through...

 

...I may not win,

But I can't be thrown

Out here on my own

 

(from Out Here On My Own, Irene Cara)

When I was about fifteen years old, I started to stand up to my stepfather. For the first time in all of our relationship, I could "talk back" to him without fear of repercussions. For the first time, I understood that he also had a secret to keep and that divulging it could affect him negatively. I derived some power from that. Suddenly, I could say things to him that I had never been able to say before with a "what-have-I-got-to-loose" type of attitude. This new found strength did not spill over to every aspect of our relationship, but maybe it could have... with the right person on my side, with an advocate to help me extract that little bit of glistening steel and wield it in my favor. At fifteen, a girl needs an advocate.

But what about now? If I have an advocate now, could I still extract that steel? It was just a tiny part of my personality then, but could I reach in now and grow it...cultivate it? With this type of strength, would I be able to stand up to this monster so that he can no longer hurt me? I hurt myself because of him. If I could borrow this bold little piece of me and stand up to him now, could I win? Would I cease to allow him the power that he has had over me? Yes, I would.

So how do I go about this? With an advocate...one step at a time.

I would say that therapy was very positive today.