For What It's Worth

This week my husband and I celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary...for what it's worth. Given my feelings about this marriage during the past few weeks, I don't know if I should be using the word "celebrate"...but I am.

I don't know what happened after I wrote the post "No Exit". It's as if someone sent my husband an email that said, "Dude, your wife is unbelievably unhappy being married to you. Get a fucking clue and start treating her right. Get over yourself and start being more genuine and considerate. Quit thinking of yourself so much - think of her too...a lot more!"

This is exactly what has been happening. His behavior, and more importantly his attitude, has completely turned around. It is uncanny. He has been acting like he actually cares about me and truly cares about how I might be feeling after a stressful day at work or a particularly hectic day with the kids. I am gauging this by the little things that he has been doing to make my life a little easier: leaving a cup of hot water ready for my tea, sweeping the kitchen floor without bragging about it twenty times, going out to get pizza while I nap after a very tiring day...without waking me up. While these actions may seem normal for some people, they are not thoughts that have come naturally for my husband. It has always been about how much rest he can get and how many times he can brag about having done something to help out around the house...just to make sure that I give him credit for it.

Mind you, I am skeptical about all this. I am waiting for the proverbial next shoe to drop, for the balloon to pop, for the crash from the Mighty Cocaine High. In the meantime however, we "celebrated" our wedding anniversary. We took the kids to summer camp and drove ninety miles for a good Cuban restaurant. We strolled, we shopped, we leisurely conversed with shop tenders. When a young girl asked what our secret is, I replied, "There is no secret, it's just blood, sweat, and tears." He said, "A forgiving wife".

I asked myself if I am being hypocritical, considering all the toxic words that I had previously spilled. No, I am not. I want it to be this way. I want to be able to love this man. He does not allow me to express my love when he is playing mind games with me or hurting me emotionally. Nobody gets married thinking that they will one day be divorced. I didn't either. I want it to last forever, but I want it to be the way it has been this week. Is this possible? Am I asking for too much? Am I living in a fantasy world?