I've been cutting for days. Cutting in my room, cutting in the powder room, at work in the back of my minivan. I feel like I've lost the strength to fight it, so I've given in. What was it this time? What was the trigger? Hell if I know. I wrote the post "Photograph" and then went straight to my box of blades. The pictures alone would not have triggered me. I know I was already struggling before that.
I did not cut right away. At first, I played with the blade and held it against my wrist, trying to convince myself otherwise. Before I knew it, I was pressing harder and harder and slicing. I didn't feel like I could stop.
I stopped writing and isolated myself. Yes, even after all your encouraging words, I have not reached out. Shame on me. I am lost in me again...drowning alone, and refusing to reach out for a lifesaver. Don't ask why.
Even as I write this post, I know that I will not publish it right away...I'm still hiding...and cutting.
Too angry and ashamed to press "Publish".
Just to let you know that there are some who donot have the same lousy opinion of you that you currently do.
ReplyDeleteThanks, I needed to hear that.
DeleteI'm still not sure what to say...I thought a lot about this post yesterday because I wanted to write a comment; I just didn't know what to say. (Sorry.)
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're hurting so much but I'm sure this will pass again and you'll feel better in time. I understand the need to hide and the shame... but please don't be so hard on yourself.
Take care xx
Grace, I appreciate you. Just knowing that you were thinking about me is enough. Thank you fir empatizing. It's nice to have thar sometimes.
DeleteWorking on being kinder to myself. Usually, when I treat myself this way I am angry at someone else and taking it out on myself. Working on getting to the root of that.
Thank you, Grace, for just stopping by. I'm feeling a little more hopeful after therapy today.
It's good to hear you're more hopeful now :)
DeleteThanks :)
DeletePlease pardon all those type errors. I was writing from my phone - not quite the same keyboard.
Oh Rising Im so sorry you are struggling so much. You are such a wonderful person who looks after het children and still works and is trying so hard with your marriage. I am sending love and hope to you. You may have given up on yourself here, but at still have faith in you. Xxx
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your faith and support, MMS. I read your words, and I want so much to believe them...that I am good and wonderful. One day, I know that I will.
Delete