I don't know why I am so hesitant to write this post, but this subject has been bothering me for the past few days.
...It's the scars on my wrist.
Right. The ones remaining from my self-inflicted cuts. It doesn't seem logical, I know, to be bothered by scars that I caused myself...but I am.
They will fade, I know, but not soon enough. In the meantime, they are there reminding me of something I did wrong...something shameful.
I have moved on from my last episode, but these scars will not allow me to forget. With each deliberate line I am reminded of the pain that caused it. In my mind's eye, I can still see the blade that carved it. I don't want to look at these scars, yet I am tired of hiding them.
Maybe I should have though of this before I cut...I suppose if I were thinking before I cut, I wouldn't cut. But who the hell is in their right mind when they take a blade to their own flesh? I wasn't thinking, I was just feeling...pretty badly. Clearly not lucid.
So I wear the band-aids, I wear the watch, as much for the sake of my family as for myself. I don't want to look; I just want to forgive and move on.
Your post has (to my ears and heart) a strong tone of ...HOPE.
ReplyDeleteHope is different from 'wishful thinking' . . .something magic will happen.
Hope suggests : i) a better way and a new viewpoint; ii) how can I assist in making this happen for myself and those important to me.
Keep the faith . . .a step at a time.
Thank you.
Delete...and thank God for this blog and for wise and thoughtful comments. I don't think I would have looked at this in that light.
Thinking of you and cheering you on. I agree with the previous commenter. Your writing strongly depicts your pain, yet it's beautifully laced with hope. I wasn't able to comment from my Wordpress, so I'm using the Anonymous option.
ReplyDeleteMuch love,
Grief Happens
Thank you for finding a way to comment. I appreciate that.
DeleteAs I replied to the first commenter, I had not been able to see this as so full of hope. Sometimes it's just nice when someone else opens a window for me an lets some light in.
Thank you.
You show you want to move forward, not just for others, but for yourself also. This is massively positive and I commend you for it. I am so glad to have seen your comments on other blogs as well. I hope that talking to others you have found will help with your healing and bettering yourself. I send you love and hugs from the UK, they are extra special ones because they are from me.
ReplyDeleteMMS xxx
You are such a beautiful soul! Of course they are extra special, as you are :)
ReplyDeleteI found out a long time ago (see "Get Out of Your Funk and Call Your Mother") that, when I'm feeling down (or just whenever), lending a hand or a word to someone else tends to help my mood. If feels good to help other people.
I have to admit that I was curious to know who "Burt Reynolds" was, and I was very surprised to see that it was you! Of course if you would have logged in as "Hugh Grant", I would have definitely known it was you! I take it you had the same problems commenting under Wordpress as Grief Happens did. I hope Blogger is not playing silly games with Wordpress. I will have to look into this issue. Thanks for finding a way around it. I always appreciate your comments.