Losing Mom

I wake up feeling lost. Mom is gone, and...and what? Nothing is right. There is no more true real joy. If I get close to that feeling, I immediately want to share it with Mom. When I realize that I can't, the joy quickly leaves me.

It was too soon. Some people lose their mothers when they are children. For others, their mothers live well into their 90s and even 100s. I imagine that no matter when one loses one's mother, it will always be too soon. But she was 71 and I had not turned 50 yet, and I deem that it was too soon. I had not yet gotten to the time in my life when I could just drop in for the weekend and spend time with her. None of her grandchildren had been married yet. There were no great-grandchildren. There was so much more adulthood still left to do with her.

So sadness overwhelms me. Too much to reach out. And I tried to self-soothe...crossing my arms across my chest, patting my shoulders, envisioning my safe place...and then I realized that my mind has now brought her into my safe place. She is there waiting to embrace me and keep me safe...and then I can't. I can't pat my shoulders, I can't go to her, and I just cry and feel lost and empty.