I won't do it again today. I won't lie around wondering why I act this way. I'll write, then I'll get up and do, and live...like I did the other night.
Yes, I am aware of the obvious - something inside me feels like I don't deserve the good times, the happiness, a carefree vacation with my children. Digging deeper, I find that I believe that it is a different kind of person who plans and organizes ahead of time in order to minimize stress. Deep inside, I think that it is someone else who leaves for vacation with their house and finances in order and their bags thoughtfully packed. I know, to the average mom, that image seems to come straight out of a fairy tale book. But I'm not talking about the fairy tale...I'm just talking about reasonable sanity.
I have time and space to achieve that reasonable sanity...I just need that fire lit!
Come on baby, light my fire
Come on baby, light my fire
Try to set the night on fire
Come on baby, light my fire
Try to set the night on fire
The time to hesitate is through
No time to wallow in the mire
No time to wallow in the mire
from Light My Fire, The Doors
as I was just saying ...
ReplyDeletePrecisely...
DeleteI spend a majority of my time, wishing I were a different person. My stepmother, with her infinite energy, had a spotless house and never once made mac n' cheese out of a box for her kids. My friend never has clutter anywhere and throws parties like a pro. Whereas I, at this very moment, am looking at my dining room table (also my desk) full of papers and crap that gets pushed around by my cat who is sprawled out on it. There are dust bunnies lurking in every corner, and I have no idea what to make for dinner tonight. My son just informed me he's been up all night playing Xbox and I honestly don't see our summer playing out any differently here. I try my best to stop the self-flagellation because it only serves to make me tired and depressed. Yeah, my house is full of clutter and dust, dinner was boxed mac n' cheese last night, and "schedule" is a four-letter-word around here, but unless I get a script for Adderall, I don't see any of that changing any time soon :)
ReplyDeleteLOL! Thanks Tiffany. I needed to hear that there is someone out there who goes through the same shit that I do. I have friends like yours too...the immaculate house, the well-mannered children who make their beds every.single.morning! And all I can do is wonder constantly how in the world do they do it?!
DeleteBut enough of that self-flagellation. Tonight, I'm going to be happy to finally wash our accumulation of wet bathing suits :)