There was Only One Way Home

I returned to EMDR today.

Over a month ago, I had had a panicky experience while driving over a bridge in the dark. It wasn't being on the bridge that incurred this sudden fear, it was looking at my GPS screen and seeing absolute nothingness around me. I couldn't tell where I was...there were no roads, no houses, not even trees...on the screen, it looked like wilderness...and it was completely dark (no street or road lights). I tightly grasped the steering wheel and drove in a panic, trying not to look at the GPS screen. It seemed like infinity before I reached a more developed area and began to calm down. It was an awful experience.

Today, my therapist and I decided to see where EMDR could take me with this...a very bad place, of course. It had not been the first time that feeling lost in the middle of uncharted territory had uprooted these fearful feelings in me, and each time this has occurred to me, the feelings have been akin to those of being stranded and lost in swampy terrain.

I don't know how old I was when my stepfather started taking me for rides in his van. I suppose the things he wanted to do with me where too much to be able to do discretely at home...so he took me in his van to a place that seemed like uncharted wilderness to me. I didn't know how he found this place. I just knew that I had no idea how to get back home.

These are the things that I saw during EMDR today. I saw him taking me for a ride in his van...I was lost in this uncharted wilderness. I felt that he had an enormous amount of power over me, because he was the only one who knew how to get me home.

I saw us arrive at this desolate location in the middle of the wild...and then I could not get past a certain area in his van. I could not let my memory take me to the back of his van...I knew what was coming, and I couldn't bring myself to remember that. I remembered the kissing and how kissing my STBX against my will reminds me so much of this time with my stepfather

I struggled with the memory that I couldn't let in. Eventually, however, I was able to realize one thing. I realized that my stepfather was the only one who could take me home during these trips...and that there was only one way home. I had to say yes to him. I had to agree...or I would never get home. I saw and I profoundly felt that what I had done with him wasn't my fault...even if I had said yes.

...There was only one way home.

After this, I was exhausted. We stopped EMDR. I caught my breath and my soul and went to the back of my own van. I wrapped myself up in soft blankets and fell asleep, as I told myself that there had only been one way home and it was not my fault. When I awoke, the first thing I told myself was to go to a good place...and I did. I am being very gentle with myself today.