This is what is bothering me...that he asks, and I say no. He continues to ask...he doesn't give up. He doesn't just ask, he places his face in front of my face...his lips on mine. I finally say yes...just to get him to stop...just to get him to leave.
...but he doesn't stop, and he doesn't leave. He demands another kiss on the lips...and another one...and another one.
...and I oblige...just to get him off my back.
...I am sickened by the whole thing.
This is part of my shame.
I’ve read this post a few times throughout today, trying to think of a helpful response that might in some way ease that unnecessary shame.
ReplyDeleteI know that shame, but this is the first step towards healing from the pain and guilt.
I’m not sure if I ever mentioned this before… I was sexually abused from around 5 to 9 by one person and then again from 10 to 13 by someone else.
It’s painful to admit that at times I seemed to be a willing participant. To my child and pre-pubescent brain, these disgusting acts were simply the games we played.
When I understood that I had in fact been “sexually abused”, the shame would somehow stick those words in my throat. My shame was the secret of my willingness.
TBH, I haven’t even looked at all this for years. I’ve locked it away, only realising that the abuse robbed me of my childhood. It deprived me of trusting adults and made me suspect that everyone who was being nice, really only wanted sex. Mind you, that was in my younger days, my middle age dispels that little paranoid gremlin!!
I know what this post means to you and hope for your peace
Cat, thank kindly for giving so much time and thought to your reply. It felt just like a really warm hug :)
DeleteI had read about your abuse on your blog some time ago, so I know that you understand. Your words, "My shame was the secret of my willingness" pierced right through me. This is exactly what I feel, and as I wrote above, I am sickened by the whole situation...I just want to vomit!
...but it also confuses me. I don't know if my shame is due to my behavior with my husband or my stepfather...or both...right now they seem to be intertwined. One seems to be the other, and I am both girl and woman.
I believe this may be why I have had such a difficult time writing about this topic. It's been hard to sort out my thoughts about it. I have actually written a long unpublished post with just my random thoughts and feelings about it all, in no particular sense or order. This has helped to bring me some peace. As I am able, I will extract different pieces from it (like this post) and publish them as short posts.
Thanks, as always, for your thoughtful words.
Such great Courage !
DeleteI don't know where it comes from...other than an insuppressible desire to live a life of truth.
DeleteI am very pleased you did sense that extra special warm hug!
ReplyDeleteI know the torment of shame. It's difficult, but try to always remember the ultimate positive outcome - healing! This time is necessary to reach that place of peace.
Thinking of you...
Thank you, Cat.
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