Sexual Abuse and the OB/GYN

I don't know how to begin this post, except by warning you (especially male readers) that it will probably contain way too much information. If you would prefer to never know what goes on during a pelvic exam, please stop reading now. I will write prettier things another day...but today I have to write this. It has really been troubling me.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my OB/GYN. I have not seen him in approximately six years. There always seemed to be a reason - the kids had too many doctor visits, so I had no time to schedule my own, I was no longer taking oral contraceptives, I was not pregnant or giving birth to a baby. Scheduling this appointment was very low on the totem pole.

Years passed, and my youngest outgrew her chronic ear infections, both kids started school, and their well visits decreased from every few months to once a year. Still, I would not schedule the OB/GYN appointment. At this point I understood that I was avoiding this physician, but I did not understand why.

I had been seeing this same gynecologist since I moved to this town about thirteen years ago. I had never had any issues to speak of during my visits (barring the time when I adamantly refused to allow the nurse to take my blood pressure because I had fresh cuts on my wrists). The exam itself was uncomfortable for about five minutes, and then I was OK. I never thought about it before or after.

So why now? Why do I suddenly have an aversion to the pelvic exam? I scheduled tomorrow's appointment as part of an effort to take care of myself. It was on the same mental checklist as calling the hairdresser and the eye doctor - just another thing that I deserve to do for myself.

It wasn't until a few days ago that I realized how afraid I am of going through with this exam. In talking with my therapist about it today, I realized that I don't want to be touched in my pelvic, vaginal or breast areas...by anyone. If I were touched in these areas, I would feel violated.

I shudder when I visualize the way an exam with the OB/GYN normally proceeds. First, I would have to remove my own clothing and dress in a scant little robe that would allow the doctor easy access to my body - how vulnerable. Next, he would feel my breasts for lumps and whatnots, while I fervently remind myself that this is not my soon-to-be-ex reaching for my breasts against my will and desire.

Lastly, he would have me lie on my back with my feet up on stirrups and he would insert his hand inside of me. How utterly humiliating. It always hurts, I always gasp and hold my breath. I often feel like the little girl being held down by her stepfather. How am I supposed to walk into that office tomorrow and allow him to do these things to me?

Courage?

Be honest with him about the way I feel, suggested my therapist.

I am afraid that I will "freak out" in his examining room and not allow him to proceed with the exam. The day I refused to have my blood pressure taken, three different nurses came into the room to find out why I was having such a problem with it and to try to convince me otherwise. My doctor would not write me a prescription for my contraceptive without knowing my blood pressure. The more they asked and pressed, the more upset and withdrawn I became. I don't want to go through anything like that again.

So could I talk to him before the exam and apprise him of my fears? Probably not, but perhaps I could speak with the nurse and let her tell him. It may sound a bit childish, like asking mom to talk to dad about something you want, but it's where I am now. My voice is so much bigger than it used to be. Two years ago, I could not have imagined talking to anyone other than my therapist about this topic. Today, I am strong enough to discuss my trauma with another professional in order to alleviate some of my fears that may interfere with my receiving proper medical care.

I've come a long way...I'm going to be OK.