In High Heels and Makeup and Mint Green

It was time for high heels and makeup again tonight. It is the kids' weekend with daddy, and he has taken them to the beach. I came home from work exhausted after a long week and a long drive during which I tried desperately not to nod off. When I was finally at home, I locked my door, closed the blinds, and took the nap that I had been needing since I left the OB/GYN on Wednesday. I iced my wrists and then slept with abandon.

Getting out of bed was a struggle when I woke, and I knew that the night had the potential to turn dark. I could not let that happen after everything I have been through, after all the progress that I've made, after having come so far. I willed myself out of bed, demanding that anything I do be done downstairs and out of the bed.

Getting out of the house was a must, so I found a theater to watch a movie...not just any theater, but one of those fancy ones where you can dine and drink while you watch the movie - the kind that I had always been curious about but an expense that my husband and I never seemed to be able to justify.

I wanted to feel good...and beautiful...and graceful...and elegant...and serene. I slipped on my favorite summer maxi dress, the one so long that even with my three and a half inch wedges, it drags just so. The one in the lovely mint color, reminiscent of the '70s, that drapes so perfectly over my body I can't help but feel like a beautiful siren as I feel the movement of the fabric over my skin.

I pulled my hair back into a slick and youthful pony tail and adorned it with a pretty silver butterfly barrette. I slid on a huge white ring, which I had picked up at the costume jewelry counter in one of those quaint antique shops my husband and I used to drop into during our good days. Lastly, I put on the whimsical elephant bracelet, in the same mint as the dress, that my youngest had picked out for me for my last birthday.

I put on my lipstick, turned my chin up and my shoulders back and stepped outside. I felt fabulous, radiant, happy! I floated through the theater lobby, as an attendant showed me to my seat.

I ordered the duck and the Riesling and settled back to enjoy the new experience. I was having such a great time that I cried (good tears). It had been so long since I have felt like I have been allowed to enjoy life so purely and so freely. I loved myself.

I know that I could have called some friends or my cousin to share this evening...but I was trying out the night. I had to do this by myself. I was trying out my new life, and I wanted to feel the pleasure of my own company even in places where others are usually accompanied.

Tonight, I felt like a star in my own movie, and it had nothing to do with the words or actions of others. It came from within me.