Talking with my therapist was very helpful yesterday. I just needed a place to land...and there he was. No EMDR. I don't think I could have handled it. After I left, I felt more clear headed and overall a bit stronger.
As for my husband and I...we're just going to have to find a way to coexist. Nobody can change anybody, and the kids could not stand for us to separate at the moment.
I'm angry...I'm angry that we can't talk like normal people...that our conversations tend to be one-sided...on his side...that if I do happen to bring up a topic, I am rarely able to finish my thought before he interrupts and takes over. His responses are usually judgmental and he tries to turn my words around so that they themselves sound judgmental. I'm angry that I have to put out the effort to assert myself and clarify everything that I say, to be sure that it is not misinterpreted. I'm angry that a completely benign conversation turns into such an unpleasant affair, that I am reluctant to bring up topics of conversation...so we only talk if he initiates a conversation...and then it's very one sided...he doesn't like to be interrupted.
There is a dark feeling of self-hate and self-blame inside me that I cannot exactly palpate. I don't walk around consciously aware of it, but it is there and surfaces during my quietest moments. For the life of me, I cannot manage to feed myself. I eat if I have to sit down with my family, which translates to about one meal a day. Otherwise, I slip in a piece of fruit if I am distracted doing something...like working. If I have to think about it, I assure you that I am absolutely not interested in nourishing myself. The last thing I need is another bad habit, but a part of me seems to be deriving some kind of sick satisfaction out of denying myself sustenance.
I don't know where this will go. I have never had any issues with food to speak of...in either direction. I have always enjoyed good food, and in fact, considered myself a "foodie" at one point. I cook, I eat out, I enjoy...so what's with the starving thing??
Suggestion: Google Quotes about 'light'.
ReplyDeleteHere are some that I remember:
.'and God said, "let there be light, and there was light"
.Purported last words of Goethe: "More light"
.O. Henry's last words: "Turn up the lights. I don't want to go home in the dark"
.M.L. King: "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that."
I agree with MLK...and God...but I can't do it the way God does it.
Delete“May it be a light to you in dark places, when all other lights go out.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring
“There is a crack in everything.
That's how the light gets in.”
― Leonard Cohen
I found these on my Google search...I just have to find the "it" from Tolkien's quote. For now, I suppose I'll carry on.
I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. I just read your last few posts and my heart just aches for you. I understand not feeling like thinking and writing, and I think you're wise to turn to music. I write poetry when my brain is tired, and I also turn to nature and music. I have to remind myself that whatever I'm feeling is okay -- for some reason allowing myself to feel the hard stuff doesn't come naturally, so music, poetry and nature help with moving through my hard emotions. I'm very familiar with not eating. The less I eat, th
ReplyDeleteThe piano has been great, because not only does the music help me carry my emotions, but keeping my hands and my arms busy helps me to stay away from the blade. Concentrating on learning the new piece offers such a respite from the madness that is going on I my head.
DeleteI understand about turning to nature. On a particularly rough day this past weekend, I spent some time sitting on my deck just looking out into my wooded back yard. I was doing nothing - no reading , no writing, no thinking...it was so restful.
Sorry, I'm having trouble commenting. If you want to chat more, send me an email at griefhappens@live.com.
ReplyDelete