I am very unhappy and feel like I have to make some changes. The changes are hard and will probably make other people very unhappy.
I can no longer be intimate with my husband. After that horrific night, I will never lay with him again. Although he seems to be just "waiting me out". He said, "Eventually, you will have to let me in again."
"Probably not", I replied, and he laughed.
What I have to eventually do is tell our marriage counselor what happened. This is going to be incredibly difficult for me to do. I am so afraid...but we have an appointment on Tuesday morning, and this cannot be ignored.
What is my fear? I ask myself, remembering Will Smith's words to his son in After Earth:
"Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is a product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist."In other words, fear is the anticipation that an undesirable event will occur, although this event may never happen.
I fear that it will be nearly impossible for me to get the words out when trying to tell this story in front of my husband to someone I have known for only about a year. I also fear my husband's reaction to my disclosure. Will he be angry? Will he be explosive and raging? Will he be super defensive and deny the things that I say? What about the counselor? What if he convinces her that he did no wrong? and what if she sides with him? I think I would just be sick, and I would simply have to ask her to never ever again sit where she is blocking the door, then get up and leave the office.
These things may never happen, but I'm just saying...I am afraid.
Do you also have some strengths upon which you can call?
ReplyDeleteYes, I do. I have been able to use my voice in the past to express to him that what he did was not OK. I hope that this same strength will help me deliver this message in counseling. Enough is enough, and there is no doubt in my mind that I am finished tolerating this.
DeleteI am going to write words that I myself don't practice but wish I could. I have chosen to wrestle my demons alone; you are doing so with a partner. IMO, that is a double-edged sword. I am a coward because I don't let anyone in; I don't trust.
ReplyDeleteNow I could be speaking idealistically here, but I think a successful marriage must have 4 things: Love, Respect, Trust, Communication.
The trust and communication is broken right now. Without repairing it, how will your marriage continue? I think you owe it to your husband to be as honest with him as you are able. He has stuck with you this far. It appears he can handle more than a lot of other men.
But this is not about him; it's about you. And your healing. It seems like you're only giving your husband half the story, so how could he possibly understand? It's so hard for people who haven't lived something to understand. I recently had a talk with a friend of mine about a mutual friend's husband who committed suicide, leaving behind an 11-yr-old boy. She said to me, "I don't understand depression. It's not something I've ever felt." But I can. And I understand very well how this man could indeed take his own life.
You need to be honest with your husband. You have nothing to lose, because if you stop being intimate with him, the marriage is doomed. He will cheat, make your life a living hell, or leave.
Just my .02
Thank you for your comment T. The truth is that, shortly after this situation occurred, I was very clear with my husband as to how unacceptable and hurtful his behavior was. As painful as it was for me to have that conversation with him, I was very clear as to where he took me that night. I was also very clear in letting him know that his behavior is unacceptable independent of anyone's history of sexual abuse. He violated me.
DeleteThings have really gone downhill since we had this conversation, as he has taken to throwing our sarcastic comments about the words that I use, and he really doesn't think that he has done anything wrong.
Really, let's not make this man out to be a saint. I assure you that he isn't. The truth is that I have stuck with him a lot longer than many other women would have. Yes, the marriage was doomed the night that he forced me to do things in bed that I did not want to do and refused to stop when I told him to stop.
Yes, agreed. Point taken. A violation is a violation. Period. No matter who it's from. I guess I just don't want things to get harder for you. Your home should be a sanctuary, a haven, a respite. You shouldn't have to deal with sarcastic remarks thrown at you, nastiness, animosity. Raising kids is hard enough without throwing everything else into the mix as well. Sending you peace and strength.
Delete*picking my jaw up from the floor*
ReplyDeletesubsequent to his behaviour, you do not owe him anything. Even as his wife, it is not your duty to be a good wifey and have sex whenever he wants. He needs to accept responsibility for his own behaviour and how that impacts on you. If you don't want sex, that doesn't give him a pass card to have affairs
Huh! What a cheek he has
“eventually you will HAVE to let me in again”
IMO he has gone way too far. It’s no surprise if you NEVER want to be intimate with him again.
I doubt the marriage therapist would disbelieve you and I don’t imagine they will take any side. If you do not share, perhaps you are withholding key information. It’s almost like a missing jigsaw piece. She needs to know and your husband needs a wake up call. Someone – other than you – needs to tell him that this behaviour is unacceptable – it is abuse.
If you are having trouble sharing the details, maybe you can be more general. He forced himself upon you, even after you said NO. There’s a word for that, even within a marriage.
I’m thinking of you, RS
Thank you Cat. Indeed, a line has been crossed, and I'm not sure we can ever go back.
Delete"If you do not share, perhaps you are withholding key information. It’s almost like a missing jigsaw piece. She needs to know and your husband needs a wake up call. Someone – other than you – needs to tell him that this behaviour is unacceptable – it is abuse."
Your words remind me a lot of what my therapist told me last week. It is because of his recommendation that I will be sharing this story with our marriage counselor (in about an hour). I know that it will be difficult, but she needs to know what has gone on and why this marriage will never be the same again.
I hope that all goes okay...remember, you can email anytme
Delete