I'm crumbling. I'm either going to go numb or self-destruct. Going numb is probably safer and more acceptable. At least no one will know that I can't feel a thing.
I have not felt this much self-hatred in a long time. Girls like me don't get the nice guy. We don't get the prince. We don't get the fairy tale. The glass slipper doesn't fit us. There is no one true love. Love is not true, and it is not unconditional. It never was. It never has been. It never will be. Girls like me just get trapped in the nightmare.
I hate this nightmare. In this nightmare, I am not good, I am not worthy, I am trash, good only for sex...and pleasing others.
I hate who I am, and I want to hurt and destroy that girl.
I haven't had a relationship work out for me yet and I'm almost 46. In all my major ones, they have left me. Everyone's coupled up, so I ask myself continually, "What's wrong with me? Am I that awful that no one can truly love me?"
ReplyDeleteI have no problem getting men for sex. Sex is easy. Men only want me for sex, it seems. It's finding a man who can handle all sides to me--good and bad. I haven't found this.
So I always feel not worthy. Because people leave me, because I have less than $100 in my checking account and no 401K, because my son and I live in a mobile home in a park where meth is the word of the day, because my father wants nothing to do with me, my son is growing up without a father due to my shitty choice in men, because I'm not productive like the rest of society, or successful...and on and on.
I always wish I were a different person. If I were a different person, I'd do things the right way, like other people do. It's a fucked-up way to live, if you ask me.
DeleteI see that you can relate...I wonder what "the right way" is...?
I'm sorry about all the jerks in your life. There was a time when I was dating that I felt the same way. Now, there are times (like last night) when I am sure that my husband sticks around only for the kids. Sure, at least he sticks around, but what kind of life? He gets affectionate when he wants sex, and there I go playing my role. It makes me sick to be me!
RS, suggest that you identify the 'trigger' behind this .
ReplyDeleteWhat if ? What if 'it ain't you' that has the 'problem' ? Then what? Yep, there are a lot of male jerks. And, Prince Charming, etc is rare. How to have relationship without the sexual apparatus?
This came from a particularly honest session with our marriage counselor...coupled with a crappy night at work...I was done for. I felt alone and without support and like there was nothing good left in me.
DeleteI would certainly welcome a relationship without the "sexual apparatus".
Its a bit shit all round really at the moment isn't it. You are worth more than just sex, every woman is.
ReplyDeleteI suggest going numb over going crazy, but neither are great options. I hope things improve in some way, or you find a way to verbalise the things you are going through. Hugs
DeleteIt seems to be doesn't it? I wish I could be more upbeat. I suppose the only thing to do for now is write about it.
Hope things are better at your house. Hugs back at you.
I’m sorry to read you’re having a rough time. Relationships were never my strong point. I tend to stay well clear. I hope things improve through the counselling…
ReplyDeleteThanks just for listening, Cat.
ReplyDelete