How do I go from a confident and composed adult to this scared, fragile and sad child? Welcome to EMDR.
...Eventually I will stop staring off and start writing...
By now I am well aware that these feelings will not last forever, but right now it's where I am - roll-me-up-into-a-ball, don't-touch-me, don't-talk-to-me, don't-look-at-me sad. I am struggling just to write. It is taking everything in my reserves not to drive home, lay under the blankets and sleep. I think the only reason I haven't done so is because I am afraid I will not get up and go to work at 1:00, but today I want to disappear in darkness.
As usual, after taking a break from EMDR, it is very difficult for me to even mention that I want to go through another session. It feels too good not to be crawling across the floor emotionally. Even if it is just for a day or two. But alas, it is my responsibility to say what I want/need to work on for the session. I don't need to change that, I'm just saying I have the hardest time just saying, "Shall we do EMDR today?"
So here I am crawling again. When remembering, I wasn't so much seeing images as I was remembering feelings. I was a child again...frightened...looking for my mother. I forgot my words. I don't even know how to explain that, but let me give it a try.
I was not born in the United States, where I grew up. For the first eight years of my life, I spoke a language different than English. It wasn't until I was about 10 or 11 years old that I became comfortable with the English language. During EMDR today, I felt like I was about 9 or 10 years old, and there were times when I could not describe what I was feeling. I knew that it was something that I had felt before, but I could not come up with the word that would describe these feelings. I shrugged like a kid, as I struggled to pull from my apparently nonexistent list of vocabulary words.
So, as my daughter would ask, what is my hypothesis? I can only think of the obvious. I wasn't thinking with my adult mind; I was thinking as a 9-year-old who barely knew enough words in English to talk to her friends and teachers, let alone to describe scary dark feelings. Come to think of it, I probably did not know those words in my native tongue either...well, it was just a hypothesis. The research is still valid even if you prove the hypothesis wrong...and at this point I'm rambling...I just don't want to feel anything right now, and talking about science sure is effective in accomplishing that.
I'm going to go hang my head now. I can't stand this sadness. I will cover my face...look away. Today is hurts in that place that is so fragile, I keep it under bullet proof glass. Today it hurts to look at you, because I am afraid that it will show in my eyes and you will try to touch my sore spot...to try to help...or hurt inadvertently.
I am reluctant to leave this café...reluctant to remove my earphones...reluctant to leave my hiding place inside the music of Eric Clapton and Van Morrison. Once I do this, I will have to face the public, and I just don't want to hear them today. If I could just work with my earphones and my music on today, I would be OK.
Deep breath...here goes nothing.
I think when we recount the memories, we also tap into the same traumatic feelings we had back then. As children we didn’t understand and that must carry forward into adulthood
ReplyDeleteIt is tough when we are feeling so down. You describe it so well. I also fear that people see it in my eyes.
Hope work goes okay
Thanks Cat. I got through work, but the public just drained me. I have finally found my bed and my blankets, under which I will hide and sleep until cruel morning wakes me.
DeleteTomorrow I will feel better.
It's a "process, process, process"; dammit ! N'est-ce pas?
ReplyDeleteMais oui! I know that it is a process. I think this is part of the process also - writing down all the thoughts and emotions that come up...when they come...and the way that I feel them. (although I realize that my response to Cat may have sounded somewhat melodramatic)
DeleteI also understand that these feelings are transient. I have been told, and I believe that now. I still have to write them...the way that they feel, and sometimes they feel so deep and so dark that it appears to me that I will be swallowed by the dragon...but I won't be. I've been told this...part of the process...but I have to write what it feels like to be almost swallowed by the dragon.
There is a difference between the way that I felt when I wrote some months ago and the way that I feel when I write now. The pain is still there, but now I have hope...more than hope...I have conviction that it is productive, rather than malignant, pain and that I will rise from it.
Your therapy sessions seem to be hard work for you, but from what I read you seem to be improving. Yes, there are down times, yes you do not feel your greatest after a session, but yes, overall I see improvement.
ReplyDeleteI love that I am seeing familiar names pop up in the comments around your blog. The community is in here supporting you in your times of need, as well as in your times of strength.
That is one of the best things about blogging a out how you feel, you can put down the good as well as the bad. I know personally have been a little... Absent shall we say, but it is fantastic to see you are building a base of people around you on here, and you are not going and hiding under blankets, but facing the world.
It may all be a process, but I am seeing progress, moving forward no less, even though with some stress, keep wearing that vest, and yes take a deep breath, because I see your best, yes I see your best, is still there to come.
MMS
Why thank you, MMS...for such a beautiful and encouraging comment. It's wonderful to see you again!
DeleteYes, there are some very kind people in this community (including you), and I am ever grateful to have them supporting and encouraging me during my climbs and celebrating me in my heights.
Thank you, as always, for coming around.
Writng is a great source of therapy and it is important to get it ALL out. It's not easy but you can see it as positive, which is the most important of all.
ReplyDeleteHope you're doing ok
DeleteIndeed. I think the more frank I am when I write, the better I feel afterwards.