No Exit

Boy do I feel shitty! Crappy....low...depressed...trapped...out of options. If I didn't have kids, I would kill myself. If it weren't summer time, I would cut myself. I apologize to those reading that this is such a hopeless post, but I have to write this as if no one were reading. I am having such a hard time describing, even to myself, the way that I'm feeling. I hope that writing it all out, sort of free association style, will help me gain some clarity as to what this cloudiness in my head and heart is.

I have to admit to myself that I chose the wrong person to marry, and yes, I am paying the consequences. I have two beautiful kids with this asshole, whose lives would be shattered if their parents separated. I cannot just walk away. Anyway, I do not want to share my children. Judging from the way our marital life is like, a divorce between us would not be an amicable, "fifty-fifty share alike" type of affair.

So I am trapped in this loveless life. Actually, thank God for the kids, they love both of their parents unconditionally. The strife has always been between Mom and Dad. I had the chance to leave many years ago, before the girls were born, We were separated for about a year...and then he convinced me to go back to him. What the fuck was I thinking? I had been the one to leave.

My husband does not physically abuse me nor has he ever (to my knowledge) been unfaithful to me. He adores his children and is a good father to them. So what's the problem? I should count my blessings and shut up, right? I'm sure there are women out there who wish that their man could have just those few qualities.

It's emotional pain that he inflicts. It's the motherfucking mind games and unpredictable behavior. It's knowing exactly what upsets me or fires me up, because I've made it a point to tell him in an effort to communicate my feelings and avoid guessing games, and doing precisely that thing and then sitting back and watching me fall apart at the seams. It's denying that this ever took place or that it was even his intention...so that then I just feel crazy.

So have you addressed all this in marriage counseling? You may ask. OF COURSE WE HAVE!! We have addressed it ad nauseam. I bring things up, shit gets denied, and NOTHING GETS RESOLVED. I am so tired of this pattern! I want to quit marriage counseling. There is no point for us. Yet, I feel like we have to still stay married. There doesn't seem to be a concrete enough reason to put the kids through a damn earthquake...other than the fact that I'm shriveling emotionally and that the displays of affection that they see between us are just pretend.

And what if everything he says about me is true? When I explain to him how his actions and his behaviors affect me, he swiftly flips the coin and says that I'm the one who acts that way. I don't usually believe him and think that he is just trying to hurt me, but what if it were true? What if I really do act that way? Do you see how this man just makes me feel crazy and overall the epitome of bad?! He says that he loves me, but how the hell can I believe that? I know that he loves his kids, and he does not treat them this way.

So this is how I find myself in this desperate state of mind. I feel there is no way out of this hell, except death. Even then he would win, because he would be left with my children all to himself. The only other way out that I see is cutting. It is temporary and does not solve the problem, but the sting of the slice offers escape and relief.

 

"so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lies
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees"

 

(from Angel, Sarah McLachlan)