Those worked to curb the urges, but the feelings still remain...so I'm writing...in order to understand.
For the first time in the history of this blog, I hope that no one reads this post, because I am going to be as candid as possible so that I can understand.
I can't unwrap myself from the from the feeling that I am bad, that I have done bad things, and that I should be punished. I am nauseated by the things I do in order to "keep the peace".
I don't always feel this way, but tonight I am feeling pretty dragging-in-the-gutter worthless. Somewhere out there, there is a higher part of my mind telling me that this is not true...of course it isn't true, but that's not the point. Right now, I can't reconcile that higher knowledge with the deep down gut slime that I feel inside.
Please, nobody read this.
I want to be on the floor hurting and punishing myself for being such a slime. Ughh. I'm not a slime, but why do I feel like one?
This isn't working. I still feel shitty, and tomorrow I will probably regret publishing this post. Please, nobody read this.
This may sound like a rambling mess, so I'll try to make it as coherent as possible. I suffer from severe depression. Meds only stop me from slitting my wrists, I imagine. The lows I feel can sometimes be extremely low, maybe how you're feeling right now, to functionally low--which is how I operate most days. When I'm feeling extremely low, all these horrible thoughts and feelings come into play--every fault of mine, every bad decision--both past and present, failures, etc. And because I consider myself a very sensitive person, these periods almost wreck me.
ReplyDeleteWe can't control what happened to us as children--this much I know--although the damage has lasting effects.
The choices we make now, either good or bad (but from whose standpoint?), usually stem from a reason--whatever we feel is right to do at the time.
I used to think that one day I'd find the cure for my depression and I'd never have to experience it ever again. I'm slowly coming to the place of acceptance where I realize I will never escape depression completely, but the better I can learn to manage the lows, the easier it will be.
Learning to feel worthy is a long, slow process, which incorporates what I like to call "mind fucks." You fuck your mind into thinking you're worthy by doing all the things the therapists and self-help gurus tell you to do, until eventually, you start to feel an inkling of it. But it's always 3 steps forward, 2 steps back...it's a constant battle.
Does it suck that some people have an easier time of it? Yes. Is it unfair? Yes. But it still doesn't change the reality of it all. So I leave you with the knowledge that there is someone out there who feels your pain, and knows how very fucking hard it is to keep it together day after day, month after month. Hugs
Thanks T. You are so kind. Even though I didn't really want anybody to read this, I needed to hear your words.
DeleteI suppose "mind fucks" is what I was doing on Sunday night when I told myself that I was worthy of a warm bubble bath with the best bath salts that I own in it, instead of harming myself. When I decided to write all the crap that was inside me, I made myself sit on the bed with my plumpest pillows all around me, instead of sitting on the floor hugging my knees as I have done in the past.
"Three steps forward, two steps back" pretty much hits it on the nail for me. I think the frustrating part in all this is knowing how far I have come and knowing that I have been in a place well beyond this and feeling like I should be better than this. It's not a linear curve, is it?
Looking back on it (after some sleep and a day of work), I am giving myself credit for the things that I managed to do and say to myself (the mind fucks) in order to keep from completely falling off the cliff. In the past, this kind of night would have brought me to my knees, and I would have been calling my therapist to bail me out from my own self-destructive ways.
I guess three steps forward and two steps back is better than one step up and two steps back.
Thanks for checking in :)