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Sunday, September 22, 2013

Playing With the Blades

Playing with the blades again.

I know that I don't deserve that. I don't deserve to hurt myself. But I am drawn to the sting of that blade. Anything to rip the pain out.

It's too late in the night to call anyone. Shit. I hate this. I feel myself falling.

...dropping

...sinking

I'll just touch the blade to my wrist.

Just hold and press. I will not slice.

He held my legs open. What a nightmare.

I can still feel his mouth all over me.

I can't differentiate him from my stepfather.

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8 comments:

  1. AnonymousSeptember 22, 2013 at 8:46 AM

    please do not cut ! You did not deserve that. "Held" means "forced".
    That's not a way 'love' is expressed . A kind of re-traumatizing ?
    You do (did) not deserve that . Please be kind to the 'inner you'.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. RisingSongSeptember 22, 2013 at 9:42 AM

      A "re-traumatizing" is exactly what it feels like, and I'm having a tough time.

      I have not cut, I just feel like I'm constantly on the verge of it...it wouldn't take much.

      I know I don't deserve it. I have to keep telling myself that.

      Delete
  2. AnonymousSeptember 22, 2013 at 6:02 PM

    Please be strong. I know these are nothing but words on a page, but I am sending what little I have left in me to you. Please be strong Rising.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. RisingSongSeptember 22, 2013 at 9:45 PM


      I appreciate your support, MMS...more than you know. Thank you for coming by.

      Delete
  3. AnonymousSeptember 22, 2013 at 6:07 PM

    Please hang in there. You really don't deserve this. And you will get through this.

    You're in my thoughts.

    ReplyDelete
  4. catSeptember 23, 2013 at 6:42 PM

    I understand your painful memories. You are brave to face it. I hope you manage not to cut.You definitely don't deserve that.

    ReplyDelete

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